tptb dragoon

Sneezing

A sneeze in time saves nine. A sneeze in the hand is worth two in the face. Why do we mostly sneeze twice?

There's no place like home

This gull is on next door's home. I can't see my section of flat roof so there could be a buffalo nesting there.

What's one of these?

Liquor does strange things to the mind.

Short person

Nathan pops up all over the place.

Lonely golfer

Ryan is a chip off the old block.

Don't eat here

Unfortunately they put this up after they had taken our order. The food was extremely poor.

Fish Wife

I haven't got the guts for this job and neither have the mackerel any more. I think they haddocknough of it. They have no sole. They are just perched in the sink. Maybe I am skating on thin ice. I'll ask my Brother - eel know.

Fin.

A small catch

Mackerel are stupid fish. I just had a bit of red tubing on top of a hook and they took the bait. Ryan caught six in one go. Going to eat some of them tonight.

Avocados

Life would be simpler if there was a 'd' in avocado i.e. advocado. In a move to a classless society we should simplify spelling.

Grasstrack Rally Driving

We know the sponsors. The driver is Liz Blake and she is just 11 years old. Ryan, on the left in the picture, is 10.

Parking accident

Jim couldn't fix this.

Dog tired

The dog refused to pull this car any further. Obviously it's not aware of CO2 emissions.

Ryan & Nathan with Grandad

On our settee in Falmouth. I drive 300 miles and the in-laws still find us.

Gucci coochie coo

Nice handbags. The shop was called Slinky. More like Slurry I'd say.

Javelins

I forgot mine so couldn't go in. It was closed anyway.

Careless drivers

Or is that carless drivers? The gull passed on her second attempt.

Hair

My mate Jim has a stammer, or is it a stutter or just a speech impediment. Anyway he can take a while to get his words out. He is very comical with it and doesn't mind the micky being taken and often sends himself up. In fact, having a mobile telephone call with him is difficult as you don't know if it is the network or him causing the listening problems.

He rang me yesterday to relate this story: He was driving behind a small saloon car and idly noted that the driver was "as bald as a coot". Then he noticed that a rear tyre was very low on pressure. He decided to do the good citizen approach and drove alongside at the lights, tooted his horn and wound down his window. The follicly (sp?) challenged driver wound down his window. Jim said "Oh, actually, did you.....know that....you haven't any air...." and before he could get the words out the driver took extreme offence, told Jim to "F*ck off" and raced away.

Brilliant!

Deer

Overheard in a Newsagent's shop in Falmouth "'Ere, do e know where theres one of them car scrap dealers? Only I hit a deer at 60mph last night and I need some new doings for me car". What happened to the deer? And what are "doings"?

Very Remote Control

Here's another great tip. Don't drive 300 miles in the pouring rain with a load of gear for your flat and a very heavy TV that you have to carry up 53 (I counted them) stairs only to find that the only way to tune it is with the remote control. No prizes for guessing where the remote control is. (The competitions round here are naff).

I wish I had read this tip before this morning.

Miscellany

Top Tip - don't mispell, or is that mis-spell or misspell, your category names because you can't edit them. (That's an 'ell of a word - miscellaneous)

Call My Bluff on this

Just to upset the establishment the rules are different. Only one of the following is false:

A Levantine Pig is a measurement of length of 2 foot 4 inches.

A jounter is an Austrian street musician.

A yotta is a prefix for 1 followed by 24 zeroes.

But which one? (You can cheat if you like - I don't give a stuff).
Answer next year.

Fridge

I bought this nice little fridge for my office:

and they, quite naturally, offered these radio controlled cars at half price so I got them:

They go together well I think.

And this is me...

Mike Yarwood. We thought he was fantastic at the time but now it all seems a bit lame. Where is he now? The answer is Leatherhead if you are interested.

Favourite impersonations:

Harold Wilson
Eddie Waring
Prince Charles

Muck

Said with a Yorskshire accent: Where there's muck there's brass. I don't want either.

Try me?

Apparently this is a perfume offer for transvestites

The security guard at the airport told me to stop taking pictures. Maybe he thought I was part of an International ring of perfume spotters.

Colour

Colour is best. Black and white is grey and drab. I like being decisive.

Refreshing

But I recommend you only have a sip.

Essential knick-knacks

What do they sell here?

I didn't go in but I understand it's candles and pots - in all shapes and sizes

Coffee gets you going

That's the Spanish for you.

Benny from Crossroads

Alias the actor Paul Henry. Certainly no longer dodging Sandy's wheelchair or dreaming of Miss Diane as he was seen here by me. He has got a good tan and it's only May.

It's a British Pub near Marbella

Stan Boardman

Famous for mispronouncing one word (Germans pronounce Gairrrrr-mans) he must have been astonished to discover his mainstream career starting to wane after a short while. He can still be found here.

Perhaps we should think up a new nationality he could move on to.

Black and White

Everything is black and white. It's a binary world hence there are no pictures in this blog. There is an infinite number of variations in a chess game so life is complex enough without adding colour. You just ask John Major as he knows because grey is allowed. Gray isn't allowed as that is the American spelling.

Dr Johnson

Dr Johnson wrote a lot of things including "No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money". He wrote that in the 18th century and it hasn't stood the test of time. Has it? How much is your subscription to this site? (My bank account details are available on request).

Test card

Here is a proper test. Unlike that one that DS put up. Lots of tests. That the plural, not testes. That's a lot of b*ll*cks.

This blog must be a late 40th birthday present. 2 years and 3 days late but it's better than nothing. Thank you.

test

test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test
test