June 30, 2003
Local bank marketing ploy
Once again I'm afraid I didn't have my camera with me but I might pop back there to see if they still have this gimmick on. I work in Mayfair, London, W1 which is a fairly upmarket place. On the corner of Grosvenor Street and New Bond Street you can see Armani, Gucci shops etc.. You can also walk into a branch of the HSBC bank.
HSBC are one of the top 5 banks in the UK. There was an easel there today with a flip chart. Written on the flipchart, using a variety of coloured marker pens was something corny along the lines of "Does the person you are looking at realise that they could be getting a better mortgage?" and this was written around a large mirror that had be glued on. It must have been a work experience guy having a laugh and cost all of £1.50. I bet that guy from the Halifax ads charges more.
Woman with a table on her head
You'll have to take my word on this one as I was driving at the time and thought it wrong to stop and take a photo. The woman looked like an African (?) who seem to have that amazing ability to balance large vases of water on their heads. I have seen the Jungle Book and know this to be a Difficult Thing To Do. Anyway, she had a small white plastic table on her head and was merrily walking along the high street. To be fair, it was raining and maybe she didn't have an umbrella?
Paper bag and bottle
Apaprently this guy is pulling a bottle out of a paper bag. Or maybe he is putting it back in because the dog has finished with it? Anyway, someone should tell him that the dog is facing the other way and definitely ignoring him.
Tramp Mystery
The tramp from earlier has gone but has left his bedding behind.
Anti paint paint
This guy is obviously walking not climbing but they do think of everything don't they. Non-stick glue for example. I have invented Instant Water but I haven't worked out what to add to it.
Drink driving
I arrested Nathan for Drink Driving and tested him by getting him to cycle on the white line. Karen helped him by giving him a good push. My case comes up next week.
June 27, 2003
The Magician
See how Dave magically pulls this expensive horrible bottle of wine from the upturned big bottle top? Is there no beginning to this man's talents?
June 26, 2003
Word jiggery
So jiggery is not so different to buggery. In fact if you rearrange the first 2 letters you get bi and ju but the ending is just the same. Poetic justice. It's a bit like: I see that pedant having ic in the middle making pedicant which somehow seems right. You have to be over 21 to look up that word.
There must be many more like the above. Contribuitions welcome.
The Beatles
We saw the Bootleg Beatles last night. Here's a Bootleg picture:
Here's a Bootleg sound clip from last night.
and here's my Bootleg Boys:
June 25, 2003
Jan Garbarek
If you want a slightly surreal experience go and see this guy play his sax with four choristers at St. Paul's Cathedral (that't the big building with the dome type thing on top - ask a tourist if you get lost). Magical voices coming at you from all directions. OK it was about 20 minutes too long but it was quite an experience.
Mayfair Shops
The shops have really gone down in Mayfair but at least they are free. The first guy works for me (I don't pay very much). The second guy waited until the first one had left to see if he had added anything to the rubbish. In fact, the standard of rubbish is quite high I understand.
June 22, 2003
Alright my Sun?
The ozone layer has depleted so much that Criag was only exposed to the sun for 4 hours and this happened to him. He should sue.
June 21, 2003
Small pet
This small pet wags it's tail, barks and flashes lights. A bargain at £5 apparently. It's the small yellow thing sitting in front of the toothly challenged offspring. When I was a lad we played with an old cotton reel and an elastic band. It's just not fair.
What does this man do for a living?
Following the flood of requests for more of these, here is another poser:
Is this man:
1. Circus stuntman (stilts)
2. Professional Peeping Tom
3. An inventor (of this special golf club)
Once again there are many special prizes. But just not for this competition. Ring 09xx 0990909 to spend £1 per minute wasting your time.
Yew woodn't beleaf the answer if I told you it. I saw this guy at the elm of his boat, flicking the ash from his cigar and looking at the beech. He said he maple one of the birds sunbathing there if he was lucky. I asked if he could cedar the girl with the red top and he told me to stop bothering with crappy tree pines. Or was it puns?
Hangovers
Frank Sinatra once said: "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.". So there is hope for me on this lovely Saturday morning.
Bloggle
Apparently blogs are messing up that nice search engine Google so I have renamed my blog again to be Bloggle. To get more hits I probably need to include words like nipple, aardvark, snark and snorkle but I won't sell out and do that.
June 19, 2003
Great Job Titles
There's a letter running around the offices addressed to "The Internal Anti Money Laundering Officer" which is not a job many people have I'd say. For security purposes we steamed open the envelope to check the contents for WMD, anthrax etc. and discovered an invitation to a free seminar. Probably held in a phone booth in Leicester Square.
June 18, 2003
Batteries
My laptop has just told me that my battery is fully charged. What does it know? I am actually running on only a few volts and what's left needs to be connected to that Mr Sony's parts.
Lagoons
You know the old saying "You can't beat a dragoon on a lagoon."? Well you wouldn't as I just made it up. However, I fancy trying it so if you have the necessary please get in touch.
June 16, 2003
Cubs
I went to the Cub camp at Chiltern Heights over the weekend. They teach the Cubs a lot. But sometimes they get it wrong.
Hand Signals Only
Dave's arm was stuck like this which caused a problem in the toilet.
Headless Bodies!
This was very scary, especially when they walked past the wall. Unfortunately my film ran out so you will have to take my word for it.
Space Time Continuum
This time travelling device has landed in Hendon from Cork. There was a guy in the pub who looked like he could have owned it but he was so drunk I had to takes his keys away from him.
June 13, 2003
Transport secret
I have discovered a new way of getting round London. Big red taxis. Here's the view from one with a large red football in the way.
What happens is you see one of these things and get on and pay a small amount of cash. Then, and this is the really cool bit, they use the Bus Lanes to avoid all the traffic! Amazing or what? The only trouble is that they tend to stop a lot and they can't seem to turn the heaters off.
Clock this
This is Dave's new pocket watch. He doesn't seem very pleased with it.
June 11, 2003
Physics Limericks
There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Send me your body parts
this man needs help. He has run out of arms. Can you spare some today? Must be complete with working grip and elbow please.
What does this man do for a living?
Is it:
a) Plumber
b) Toy racing car repairman
c) Briefcase salesman
Answer next week. Actually you can answer now if you like, I 'm that liberal and really don't mind. Fabulous prizes! Not for this of course, I just wanted to type Fabulous Prizes. Twice apparently.
Marketing success
This ad has been at tube stations on and off for months. The small print says "99% of our staff have suffered violence or abuse while doing their jobs.". Sounds like a great place to work. Applications must be rolling in.
June 10, 2003
Blog
What's in a word? Everything I say. Blog. It's like bog. The marshy type thing. The thing that slows you down and gets in the way. It may as well be Bleurgh which is a word Charles Schulz used in his Peanuts cartoons. Snoopy. That's a better word. Not sure what it stands for but this is no longer my Blog but my Snoopy.
June 09, 2003
When one door closes another one opens
Unlike this garage door and thousands like it in London. I have walked past this door about 1000 times in the last year and it has never been in use. Neither has the one next to it. Lies all lies. They are talking rubbish and they know it. Hence the grey bag that someone has left next to it. I could go on. No, really.
June 08, 2003
Tidyness is next to godliness
Not sure what the lesson here is. Maybe the teacher rebelled and chucked the sign out of the door?
June 07, 2003
Hangman
It's a great game for all generations. Nathan, 7, had thought of a word/name and Ryan suggested the letter "a". Nathan was unsure of the spelling and asked "Are there two "a"s in David Beckham?". The ensuing laughter really upset him, poor little lad.
Sam's Triumph
No, it's not a motor bike, it's Sam Torrance's finest hour and this is a pic of me holding the picutre. Notice I have my Nike (TM) grin on as I have just been more rediculous than the photographer.
Photo taken by Owen.
Boys with their Toys
This is Owen. He seems to be pleased with paying far too much for this radio controlled car. Allegedly he is going to play with it without telling his son. This is rank discrimination and somebody should be told - Daniel in fact, his son.
No joking matter
Don't smoke seriously. Put on a red rubber nose, some face paint and sit on a whoopee cushion whilst smoking your slim panatellas - it's much healthier for you.
June 06, 2003
Today
Keep only half your wits about you but don't let on so people won't call you names.
Finisterre
They renamed it FitzRoy. Nobody told me though. Dogger is my favourite.
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June 04, 2003
My camera
I bought a Pentax Optio and I'm very pleased. I'd show you a picture of it but all the ones I took of it in the mirror were no good.
Capers
They have a horrible taste and you don't do any capering once you have eaten them. Unlike radishes as you can do a lot of radishing following a radish intake. Figging is fun too.
Driving problem
Every vehicle should have a sign like this. It's only fair.
June 03, 2003
Zombies
They are filming SOTD Sons of the Dark in the neighbouring streets to my home. Apparently there were car crashes yesterday and there will be a headless zombie in our friend's garden today. The area has really gone down recently.