tptb dragoon

Wipe that smile

In one of the nice pubs visited I settled down in the loo to have a good old dump (or SACD as we used to call it - Stand Alone Core Dump). During this most essential and enjoyable process I noticed a lack of toilet roll. In fact the gents area was being redecorated and had bare plaster and no fittings. Someone had drwan their own directions of where to put soap dispensers etc. on to the plaster and I only hope the builder follows the directions.

So I stood and looked around and found a roll on top of the cistern. I'm just under 6 foot tall and could only just reach it. It hadn't been used - maybe becuase of the careful placment. Oddly enough it didn't have a hole in the middle (see the first photo). That's why there was no bogroll holder. The ladies' version was equally holeless but had some suspicious brown marks on

Ladies' roll photo by Ilsa.

No glasses required

The miserable hungover bargirl thought I was a little odd, to say the least, when I photographed these bottles. Very perceptive of her. Anyway, if you are going to drink from a bottle it's probably best to remove the tops with those nasty jagged edges. The bargirl said she didn't like to use her hands as it wasn't hygienic. As if drinking out of a bottle can be hygienic in the first place. Still I like it as a form of beer art.

New fashion accessory

The is for real. I saw the advert in a Sunday Magazine. It's a bit like that all in one slipper that youu could buy if you got cold legs and feet watching the TV. You must have one somewhere - dig it out, insert some batteries and, hey presto!, you have the Cleo-Active. They look great don't they?

ham rage

you need a ghost writer.

Summer Holiday

I'll soon be on mine and completely blogged off for two weeks. So I thought some appropriate anagrams were in order.

Hired a slum - o my! (we've all done that)
Rims ya mudhole (I haven't done this!)
Maim (oops!) lousy herd (especially if they are German and have got the sunbeds)
A louder shimmy (on the dance floor)
I may hurl domes (or frisbees on the beach)
U rim a shy model (club 18-30)
Hours delay imm (immenent)
Oh made him surly (must have been the delays)
Roamed mushily (holiday romance)
I'm Audrey Holms (have you met her?)
Had yummier sol (my holiday was better than yours)
Yes oil mum hard (instruction to Dad on the beach)
So he laid rummy (playing cards when it's raining)
U, my dismal hero (desperate spare at the end of the night)
Lush diary memo (to record the happy events)

and don't forget:

Do rush my email.

Ploys R Us

There is a little cafe adjoining a pitch and putt and crazy golf place. The marketing of food and drink in such a place requires great depths including the use of several glitter balls on a revolving base. Captivating!

The Green Man

I thought the Green Man was a pub but you can't get served here. Maybe it's a cousin of The Hulk?

The French

Hate them or loathe them there is no getting away from them. So why is the price cheaper for the French? Is it:

1. Somebody actually likes the French
2. The French can't actually read so its the pictures only version
3. There's a one missing and it's really £11.50

Cider the Surpriser

I won this on the tombola or whatever its called. Now what to do with 7.5% cider? I don't drink the stuff so I have left it in the fridge to see if it lasts the summer.

Derek and Clive

They (Pete and Dud in fact) wrote a poem of which I am reminded. "Jump, you fucker jump. Jump down into this blanket what we are holding. He jumped down to the deck, broke his fucking neck. There was no blanket. Laugh? I nearly cried." etc. Anyway, the dogs wouldn't jump because they had heard it before no doubt.

Motormania

Ryan is car and bike mad and he certainly looks the part whereas I look like a part.

Fairground attraction

The Flushing regatta had swimming races - note the guy who swam underwater and used the buoy as a marker.

There were rowing races

and a few stalls including this delightful classical music box caravan. You should listen to the delightful sound.

Safety first

This electric blanket has been unplugged for safety as it had been raining.

Concrete boots

The yellow sign, which you can't read, says "No water skiing is permitted in this area" which is a spelling mistake - they obviously meant "No Skateboarding".

The streets are paved with gold

They're not because in Cornwall they take cleanliness very seriously indeed. It's next to godliness apparently so you know where to find it. So serious are they about it they have signs up telling you where they are washing the streets next. Marvellous.

Oh I do like to be beside the

I am on location (Falmouth - check out the webcam to see the variable weather. You can't quite see my place in here as it is nearer the water or the rain is so hard you can't see further than 25 yards) but not many people know I'm here. So it was strange to receive an email with "grahame,seaside" as the Subject this morning. Maybe there was some private detective on my tail? So I opened it and realised it was an advert for a car - of course! How could I not tell from the Subject line? It doesn't look the sort of car the women I know want. Fortunately. Although I have met a few women with a drive big enough for it.

Papers from heaven

Outside of my office is just a small light well. Not much of a view but it's home. Well it's not home of course but you know what I mean. Or do you? I often wonder what people mean by you know what I mean because of course you can't know that they know so you are trying to project the knowledge as a given and move on. But I digress. (Or do I?). Enough! Ed. These papers came fluttering down the other day, flapping in the breeze and came to rest in front of me. Your intrepid blogger ventured out to retrieve them and also to make sure that no valuable information that may be contained was left unscanned and unpublished on the Internet. Well at least someone has some moral fibre around here. Sadly it was just the chinless wonders who pass for my landlords who had a left a window open with a pile of papers stacked on the sill and a fan blowing directly at them and the contents simply showed how much they were ripping people off.

I shouted up the well - "your papers are down here" to be helpful.

More lies

More anti paint stuff (see before). I'm not a builder but I know that this is a brick wall that is unpainted. Who are they kidding? Why bother telling anybody anyway - they'll soon find out. And what happens if you do try to climb? Does it have a speaker that says "No! Do not climb here, I don't like climbing"? or does a big Pythonesque hand swat you off the wall?

Crapidges

The picture shows the staff entrance to that top hotel and restaurant Claridges (the restaurant is run by the appalling loud mouth Gordon Ramsay and they don't put their uneaten food into useful black binbags for the tramps to eat).

They got a company called Bright Ideas or something who must have a website but it's probably cringeingly bad so I haven't looked it up...on the other hand maybe I should, to get ideas from the staff on how to improve things. So the idea is that they press gang them into giving ideas by using blonde girls flashing their cleavages at them. Oh and they call it Claridea. I only hope they are being paid either 5p or £500,000 for this masterstroke of genius - I am not sure which would be more fitting.

Anyone for...

This is Mayfair. Wooden rackets went out years ago. This guy hasn't even got the right Nike trainers or shorts. When the cops came along he stopped pretty quickly though.

Today's Anagram

Martyn Lewis - is he a strewn limy? or more of a men's twirly perhaps. He certainly has some wry ailments but unfortunately for him there is one big thing going on his life - namely writs but I hope he has a masterly win which he might do if he gives his lawyer mints. He met my real twins as they like to try a new slim version of me and he thought he was set in warmly but they thought he was a slimy wanter. I told him to try news, mail or to mainly strew himself prostrate in front of them. Marylin wets herself at such antics and Wilma's entry was similarly not available.

So my stern wail to him is to be manly re writs, don't slam wen I try to help and to aim to slay new trim bushes as soon as possible.

Oh and re Wyman, list his girls and give them a call.

Okay - hunt for any hot uk babes but keep your hanky out. (Thank you, Thank you, Thank you).

Friends

Make a new anagram out of your friend's names at least once a day today.

Dave Simpson could start a Sad Venom ISP if he needed a new line of work.

Dave Clarke craved leak last time we went for a drink.

"I'm Moron Sys" says Roy Simmons and Grahame Davies well, he ravaged a mis.

Jules Desforges is the Jesus of Ledgers and Chris Hobden? He bonds rich apparently.

I like anagrams

Or I'm a gala sinker. Check out one of the anagram sites that are around.

I get a peculiar enjoyment of knowing that "eleven plus two" is "twelve plus one" or, sticking to the learning theme, that "schoolmaster" is "the classroom" An anagram of Grahame Davies is I shag Eva Dream which particularly pleased a Mr D. Rowe. How sweet is it that "rescue" can be "secure"?

How about this, from Hamlet by Shakespeare:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. =
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten

Impressive is it not? (Penned by Cory Calhoun)

Did you know that the "Statue of Liberty" was "Built to Stay Free"? or that "semolina" "is no meal"? or even that "a decimal point" is "a dot in place"? Wonderful stuff.

How about some of Mike Morton's anagrams for Information Superhighway:

Enormous, hairy pig with fan
Hey, ignoramus -- win profit? Ha!
A rough whimper of insanity
Oh, wormy infuriating phase
Inspire humanity, who go far
Waiting for any promise, huh?
New utopia? Horrifying sham

I'll tell you the story one day about how Dibb Lupton Alsopp turned into Slip up a Blond Bot and how someone from their Birmingham office told this to me - even though I had coined the phrase a few months earlier. Bet you can't wait!

Bored Goofy Now. (goodbye for now)

A clutch

The collective noun for a load of schoolteachers is a clutch or a thatch.

Nathan's 8th Birthday Party

Oh bugger! Not more boring family stuff :-(. The kids enjoy ballponds and climbing frames and calling each other names, biting, fighting and so on which is nice. I don't know why food has to be served in cardboard boxes these days though.

On the left is a ballpond ball. On the right is a "prize" that Nathan won at the Battleprom. On the packet it said "Squeeze me and see what happens" which is the sort of thing you expect to see on an Essex Girl's T-Shirt. Hours of Frankie Howerd jokes were had by all - oo err missus.

Karen, Mum and Mum and me.

Battle of the Proms

We went to the Battle of the Proms last night. We're on the rug whilst other people have Gazebos:

and more...

However most people were on the floor like us:

People had net curtains over their triangular tea trolleys (natch). Where do you buy this crap from? Who invents it?

Click on the picture for a larger version (cotpfalv)

There were people in funny hats (it wasn't Ascot though):

Although I did discover members of the Black Dustbin Sack League wearing their outfits when the obligatory thunder and lightning started:

Now I know this could be The Mall what with the bearskin types, the cannons (real - they were used later) and the tourists but it really is Hatfield. What I want to know though is why its says "Beware Cables" and not "Beware bloody live and dangerous Cannons". I guess you might trip and graze your knee as opposed to getting your head blown off.

Click on the picture for a larger version (cotpfalv)

Someone had a decent barbie:

We didn't listen to the early music (note the trainers which were used to mark the crease):

This kid had a massive bogey:

And it all ended spectacularly (minus the fireworks photos which never work):

Click on the picture for a larger version (cotpfalv)

Note the alien with the weird ears/eyes in the foreground and the loser with the flag.

Love without you...

...is like a bee without a flower. There's lots of love going on in my front garden in the lavender. You can't see it on the photo so just take my word for it.

Blown through umbrellas

As luck would have it, following my disappointment earlier in the week, I spotted this discarded blown through umbrella. Beautiful, fascinating. The Turner Prize here I come.

Nasal Decongestants

Remember Vick's Sinex and the ads? Malcolm's Mum - where is she? Those immortal words "Course you can Malcolm" are really evocative. Wasn't that Ian Lavendar playing his Pike from Dad's Army character in the ad? Don't tell 'em Pike! According to the song from Splodgenessabounds (which I have on audio cassette type thing) "Nasal Decongestants are a must" so how come I have never used one and they don't advertise it anymore. What has changed to the Great British Nose? You see a photo from lots of old adverts, including Vick's Sinex, on http://www.completeshite.com/davethewave-adverts/. You will also be delighted to learn that you haven't missed out on the opportunity to own some nasal spray as Vick's Sinex is still available.

In fact, part of someone's diary of a great adventure includes "Great Quest For a Vick's Sinex" so maybe there is a cult following that we should be part of. Not only that, it is included in topical jokes e.g. "What's the difference between Vick's Sinex and Ken Livingstone?" Answer: "Sinex relieves congestion. Ken Livingstone is a little squirt who gets up your nose."

There is even a website where people discuss their success or otherwise in using it.

Meanwhile Spldogeness continue to Abound as their Album is now available on CD with extra tracks and you can buy mercahndise. Remember Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps Please (I'm gettting thirsty)? Now there is a TV series with the same name. I must find that cassette and play "Simon Templar" and "I've got lots of famous laying dormant under the floorboards of my humble abode"

E by 'eck

The letter e is important. It occurs only once in "umbrella" but twice in "needy" and "greedy" but also, sadly, in "seedy" and "weedy" . I saw a nice umbrella that had been (more "e"s there... and in "there") blown inside out and obviously discarded. It made a delightful piece of still art (or street litter as it is better known). It was a decent (2 "e"s) umbrella and I would have like to have seen (tr"e"m"e"ndous) the obviously very affluent owner chcuh it down in disgust. Unfortunately Karen has the camera today so I couldn't take a photo. Damn! (No "e"s).

Standing in line at the bank I overheard the girl (no "e"s) in front say, "Please make the cheque out to Tracy Edwards. No 'e'". What? But that would be Tracy Dwards! I almost pointed out the error of her ways to her but thought better (2 "e"s) of it. Actually my mate's name is Hen3ry but the 3 is silent. As perhaps I should be.

Google

It's a very popular search engine isn't it? Well it is with me anyway. There are number of spin-offs from the site for instance elgooG and so on. There also some rigged jokes:

For instance, go to www.google.com and type in "weapons of mass destruction" and press "I feel lucky" and read the next page carefully.

Or type on "french military victories" and press "I feel lucky". Priceless. They're both rigged but I don't care.

Skipping pleasure

All good household skips have a mattress in so I am very pleased to see that someone in my road has one. In fact I think that a mattress should be "thrown in" by the skip suppliers if you haven't got one. The next thing to do is make a list of the contents of the skip and see who comes along and nicks bit and adds their own stuff. Come to think of it I have some junk in the garage that needs a new home.

Spooning

This is the best picture of Nathan I have taken in ages.

Two blokes

This is George and Duncan. George is a 70 year old Jamaican taxi driver who is on his 3rd woman (aged 28 - he has a 46 year old son and a 31 year old daughter). We talked a lot of nonsense in the cab, well I did at least, and I made this awful recording which sounds like he has 4 flat tyres and no exhaust. Actually that last bit is true. If you can bare to listen to it (all 30 seconds of it) you may notice me a) singing and clapping and b) asking George if ever got depressed. We had a laugh but I feel sorry for him having to put up with idiots like me.

The other picture is Duncan who is just a pratt in the pub.

Moving hands

This is Charlie my piano teacher. He is actually very good although some of his pupils are a bit ropey. Not his eyes of course. I have been having lessons for about 7 years now so I took a picture of him and he played a little which I recorded. He is not up to all this techno stuff which you can work out when he says "so I was actually moving was I?".

I left my palm organiser at home one day and we wanted to book the next lesson and he said "Ahh that's the trouble with these electronic thingies - they're no good if you haven't got them with you." That'll be completely unlike a hand written diary then.

Where are these people now?

Or who are they? This is the Lord Taverners v Totteridge Cricket club do. It was pretty windy in there for some reason as you can see by the horizontal piece of paper.

The wind didn't blow John Kettley's wig off

Luckily I was a long way from Richard Stilgoe (that name's a contradiction in itself)

Robert Powell. He is a lot shorter than on TV (yawn!)

Metal Mickey is on the right. What a wide boy. I bought my guitar off him. I must be mad to trust a bloke like that.

Swimming danger

The chart on the left is the standard one with no diving/jumping/petting (ha ha)/back diving etc. The local pool decided that they had missed one very very important safety hazard out so got a sign made up especially. Its nice to know we are in such safe and caring hands.

Time and effort

What takes longer? The notice or The Goggle?

Stereotyping

This is much underused and underated. For instance, I went to the local cubs and scouts AGM last night (well what do you do on a Friday evening that's so great?) and the scoutmaster or whatever he is called gave a speech. Imagine what he might look like then click to view

Missing words

Some just said "Words escape me.". What did he mean? When they leave your lips words must escape your body. Or is this guy mute? In which case how did he tell me in the first place? Well I can answer the last one - it was said in email. In which case I should have added the '!' he used but then you may have realised it wasn't actually speech. Have you noticed that this blog poses more questions than it answers? Or does it? You have? Or haven't you?

Anyway I have asked if I can quote him on his response. And since it's that loud mouthed Scottish ne'er-do-well Neil then it is indeed quotable.

Text message

I have just received a test message which says "Morning. Emily wont make the conga today." from an unrecognised number. Lets analyse this:

"Morning." Yes I am with it so far as it is just gone half past eight in the morning.

"Emily". Emile, Emma, Emsk, Emmanuelle. Nope I don't think I know an Emily

"wont make the conga today" A spello for conger perhaps? Someone is making an eel but Emily refuses to do it? Yeah, she really knows her mind and we can't force her. Or maybe its the dance thing? There's a party, probably for children, or a parade and Emily, bless her, is the star turn as she kicks her legs out left and right. Oh I see a conga really was named after an eel? Actually it wasn't, it was named after Congo from the Spanish. Hah, not so clever now are you Emily!

Actually it occurs to me that this is a Dad from school telling me that his daughter (aged 5) won't be doing the Walking Bus today. This has been given a trendy new name of Kidz Conga. Well that clears that up then. As you were everyone.

ENTRY 100!

This is the one you've been waiting for (but didn't know it).

Food misery

Another grammatically challenged notice. This one is by the rubbish we saw earlier and even earlier. Who put it up? The cafe next door I guess. How do the know that none of the other bags contain food? Do they forensically search them 24 hours a day. I'm going to chuck one of their sandwiches in there. And whay is someone blaming the binman? I have heard say it could be hedgehogs from outer-space and I can't disprove this theory.

I think we should stick our own notices up alongside this.

Click on the image to get a larger image.

Webpages don't die

Not if Cable and Wireless host them. Dave must have left them years ago but this wonderfully informative page is still there http://www.simpson.mcmail.com

BTW Entry 100 is coming soon. Stay tuned.

Transience

This is only a passing phase. Or is it a passing phrase? I'll get through it though. See what difference that one letter makes? In this instance is the letter 'r'. I used to watch Sesame Street and they taught me the alphabet and how to count. The trouble is I get tunes in my head now every time I count to 9. Or is that tuners? Ase.

What's in a name

Here in the UK we like to try and make something special out of our car registration plates. I saw this one parked outside my office and went and got my camera. As I went to take the photo the owner (pictured) appeared so I "casually" took the shot. Hence the angle. The owner, a bruff highlander, was not too happy about this so I reassured him that it wasn't personal. What did I mean by that? I don't know. So I left but he came knocking on the yard door so I bravely ran away and set Lee on to him and that was that.

If you can't read what's written, please click here for a larger version

It says "Hi too Best of Scotland" which might be correct but is grammatically wide of the mark.

The bubble's burst

We went to a wedding anniversary party. These guys must have married young. The highlight was turning off the electricity to the castle. Perhaps you should try this? Start with Windsor.

Keeping Mum

My Mum's never been on the Internet before but now she has. Here you go. I've told her she has to come round and do my garden when she's finished. I was inside watching the Grand Prix qualifying and drinking tea and eating toast (that she had made for me) so I was a little busy at the time.

Take a letter

As you can see, this road sign is N20 which is in North London where we support the football clubs of Tottenham or Arsenal. Actually, I live in Barnet but they are unsupportable. Therefore it comes as no suprise to me whatsoever that this road sign hasn't been graffittid (sp?) and a letter removed for some local hilarity. Manchester United fans mainly live in, errm, Manchester and they would have got rid of the 'S' straight away and put a dot after the N. Arseholes!

Drive through

This sign is outside the office block where Demon Internet have some space. One can only assume that they have a massive drive through set of offices where girls on roller skates whizz to and from your parked up vehicle with the post etc.. I call it a car park.

Woy of the Wovers

Who owns this car?

Word merging

Drop the end letter of random words and attach them to the start of the next. Or the other way round

Chri swill like toe at a Big Mac ford inner. My do ghas non ose. As titch in time save snine. The cats at on them at.

Fruit and Veg confusion

Now I am partial to a jacket potato with butter, a bit of pepper and some sort of filling like baked beans, marie-rose sauce, a sausage, Big Mac, and a can of coke. But what do you have with a couch potato? And I like bananas but I couldn't eat a whole republic.

Also, the local newsagents sells cheap beer. Currently he has a special offer "STELLA CANS £5" and I know she is worth more than that.

More photos later as my cable is at home :-( but they are worth waiting for if in you're in tune with this blog (you sad person).

Ground floor perfumery...

Are you being served? Check out the action on the Lower Ground floor.

Bank Marketing - Proof

I know some of you doubt me sometimes but here is photographic evidence to support my earlier story that the HSBC marketing budget has been cut to £4.37 (inc. vat).

It says: "Are you looking at someone who is paying too much for their mortgage?". From where I was standing they would have to be spider man and hanging from the ceiling but I am sure they know their customers best.

The best form of defence is attack

Or more defence. I was talking to someone about an incident and I said "It's OK, don't get defensive, I am not criticising." and they replied "I'm not being defensive, I'm just saying it wasn't me.". Perfect.

"They took turns...

...at Beccy. And there were three of 'em." Great song. Not sure what it has to do with the game of pass the sheep which has been popularised recently. Note Martin taking up the Mornington Crescent position.

Als, Jules manged to play this tune using a cone. Or was it the sheep?

When in Rome

When renting a car frrom easyGreek, make sure you wear a rediculous chest wig and talk bollocks. Fair play to Brian, he could do both of these.

He had an interesting line in crop circles as well.

Not So Smart these cars

This vehicle knows its not a bike or a real car but still can't decide whether to go up this alley. The guy (Brian) who was renting it from that greasy greek geeza easyGreek was really proud of it. When we were peering in the windows and leaning on it I asked him if he was going to wash it before returning it and he replied "I'm going have to now". I'll upload a picture of him.

Litter

There is a lot of litter on the streets these days. Just look at this for instance. Well maybe it's rubbish and not litter. I am not sure what the difference is.

They say the streets are paved with gold. Chris is checking this out or has dropped 5p.

More tramps

One of them has found a crutch and pulled it out of a rubbish sack. He doesn't seem too happy about it.

Spot the Sheep

Or Where's Wally?

Dr Who?

I am not sure who or what was behind this door so thought it best to make my excuses and leave.