tptb dragoon

Something for everyone

The Internet has something for everyone. For instance, I am sitting here with Ryan playing Scrabble with a web site of two and three letter scrabble words on the screen. And yes, I am letting him look at it as well. Meanwhile I get a spam email for ChristianDebtRemovers.Org. Here is some of their info:

"ChristianDebtRemovers.org can make a difference in your life by lifting the financial burden that has come over millions of Americans across the country."

It's a standard consolidate all your loans and bills in to one monthly payment scheme. Actually scam is more appropriate as it is rarely the best way to get ouf of debt. I was looking for the Christian angle/message and notice at the bottom they say:

"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another... Romans 13:8"

No doubt in their version of the bible they have inserted "and the easy monthly payments to ChristianDebtRemovers.Org". Notice the use of .org which implies a not-for-profit organisation. Elsewhere they have:

"The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender... Proverbs 22:7"

I could go on about the facts of all this but I'll leave you with one last fact: there is no phone number, registered company name, telephone number or address on the website.

Bastards.

Now *that's* a boat

I have a) just bought a second hand boat (a RIB with a 40HP engine which is great fun) and b) just come down to Cornwall for the week. Hurrah! Boating or Sailing is an ingteresting past-time and can generate strange emotions in people. For instance, sail looks down on power. At the bottom rung would probably be RIBs helmed by pleasure cruising weekend newbies like me. Walking round a harbour is an enjoyable thing to do though as there are so many different types of boats to look at. Equally funny are the people who just go and sit on their boat in the harbour, have a cup of tea and never sail. It's like being in a caravan - something which I have a good deal of experience of.

Anyway, more of my boating antics another time (there were a couple of BIG waves today). Looking out from our balcony here I noticed this liner leaving. Now that's a serious sized boat. Apparently The World was here last week which is a £220m liner owned by its millionaire occupants. But you can't jump waves in it or fish over the side so what's the point? RIBs rule OK.

Bitch and Mutt[er]

Holiday pitch and putt is just like normal pitch and putt and the weekend when gangs of kids haphazardly make their way around a par 3, 9 hole course and generally fool around in a very good natured way. Today was no exception to this but what was noticeable was that there was a record number of players playing together. The limit, according to the Royal and Ancient rules of golf is 4. I have seen 5 and sometimes 6. Today there was 11 and a baby. Still it was a glorious afternoon so who cares.

Things to do Whilst Running

As you may have seen I am doing a spot of running to improve my health, may me feel good, lose a bit of weight etc. I'm up to over 25 minutes of decent running now and running 2-3 times a week so that's a good start. I read in a Men's Health book (what great presents you get when you are over 40) that exercise is good for you (surprise!) and that one of the upsides is it relieves depression. Wrong. It creates depression. I am depressed at my lack of stamina and my aching legs.

The good thing about running outdoors and not staring at your repulsive sweaty body in the gym mirror is that the scenery changes. Otherwise I just watch the time/calorie counter, heart rate monitor in the gym. Or a nice blonde with a slightly slack sports bra on the machine next to me. It still gets tedious so, apart from taking on step at a time, here's how I advise coping:

* pretend to kick small dogs that get in your way. A rugby style conversion is good or perhaps just hover your foot over as it crashes down inches from its puny body. Nice.

* avoid big dogs with slobbery jowls. Especially if they are on heat

* get behind that woman with the nice buttocks and try and make it look like you're not following her. Tricky one this.

* try and think about what you thought about the last time you ran.

* try to think about what you are going to think about the next time you run.

* look at your watch to see how far behind your personal best you are.

* if you are being followed by one of those fit bastards who may show you up, change course to throw him off the scent.

* quickly jump in and out of the shower before you set off to make it look like you've already been running for 45 minutes so your snail like speed is acceptable.

If you do all this the time will fly by.

Foot in Mouth Awards

I'm often putting my foot in it, as the saying goes. Sometimes it's because I haven't completely engaged my brain before my mouth opens but other times I just get "unlucky". Here's a good one: I had gone to see a German subsidiary where things were not going well and was having a board meeting looking at the figures. Sales were up nicely in the preceeding month and I was pleased but also ever so slightly suspicious. So I jokingly, ha bloody ha, asked the German MD if these new sales had been made to his brother. He replied, in a tone that can only be matter-of-factly described as Germanic: "No. My Brother is dead."

But these things do happen to other people. I was going to a funeral but went in to see a client before. One of the secretarys remarked on how miserable her boss looked with his dark tie and then told me that I looked like I was going to a funeral. "That's handy" I said and made her feel about 6 inches tall. Actually I wasn't nearly as harsh on here as I could have been.

I watched a little of those TV Blooper programs last night. In amidst the rather tedious actors tripping over their words or forgetting their lines was a morning TV program. On these programs they discuss the most bizarre things over a morning cuppa. This time it was sex toys, one of which they had on a finger and were extolling its capabilities. They summed it with the rather brilliant "So that's a thumbs-up for clitoral stimulators".

A Thorough Cleaning

A guest picture (thank you Sarah) from Spain. This stuff is probably biological, pop-o-matic and clean round the bend (like Lord Harpic was apparently).

Dominos

The pub near the office has an outside patio called the street and we prefer standing out there and watching the world go by. They are most obliging and allow us to take table 12 out to use since the green cable street box we used to put our beer on was taken away. The "Keep Left" sign helps us find the beer later on in the evening which is always a help.

Sadly, one thing (lots of beer) often leads to another and the domino effect kicks in and Chris falls over.

Edukashun

You may recall that one of my sons got a certificate for just turning up to school. Well the other one, Ryan, has just finished his SATs test at age 11. He's been tutored for a couple of years and he's probably moderately bright so he found the tests quite easy. In fact, as they get play time and fun things to do afterwards and no homework he declared that he prefers test weeks to normal school weeks.

SATs are stressful for the children and teachers, and perhaps a little for the parents, and the well intentioned teachers decided to present a certificate to all children who took the test. Personally I think this is over the top. However, what I think is disgraceful is the spelling! In 12 words they managed to spell one of them wrong (and i's in the title!) and also stick an erroneous apostrophe in. They did this before with a first aid certificate.

Sheep

Local paper top story: Blind ewes take model lessons.

BTW: I love the tag line "50p where sold." If you take one out of shop they'd have trouble prosecuting you I presume.

Carbohydrates

I went for a run this morning (it's my new thing). That's 3 runs so far in about, oooh, 3 weeks so I am really punishing myself. When I got to the tube I boarded and looked for a Metro to, errm, wrap my sandwiches in. I have seen gloves instead of the Metro or bits of other discarded papers. But never fruit. Bananas are good fibre and I love them so I was quite tempted to eat it. It was sitting on the air-duct which worried me a little.

So I left it. A woman boarded the train and sat next to it. I was just toying with asking her is it was hers just to see what reaction I got when she kicked me. Not deliberately of course, she was just settling down. As you may recall, ther has been a bit of aggro on the tube lately. I looked at her and she warned me: "Don't start anything". Brilliant. So she missed out on the banana.

The Things Kids Say

I drove Ryan to Scouts this evening. He has been to cubs for a few years but he finds the prospect of something new a little daunting. (Like tidying his room or washing the car!!). There were a lot of people milling about and a single car's width entrance/ecit to the small car park. So I said I would drive on, turn round and park and let him out on the right side of the road. He wanted me to take him straight in but eventually he seemed OK about it.

I pulled in and he said "It's OK Dad. I don't need you". "Good lad" I replied. "But I do need the toilet." Ah well I know my place in life at least.

DIY

I do a bit of DIY from time to time. I'm OK at some jobs but not others. Know your limits. I borrowed some rodding rod jobbies (you know, sewer rods) from a friend to clear a blocked drain. I like to look after things I borrowed so I carefully washed all the brown crap(!) off them and returned them to my mate in their orginal blue colour. "Oh, I'd forgotten they were blue" he said. I made a mental note to pay attention to how things are given to me in the first place...

Today, I popped into B&Q. There's always something to take your mind off things like looking at fashion statements such as shell suits and shoes or listening to arguments about types of paint. This time, a young assistant was helping a woman choose various decorating items and was obviously getting tired of the process. I had just selected some sugar soap and she arrived and asked him which she should choose. He waved at the range of pre-mixed triply expensive shelf and said "they're all the same". So she picked one at random and asked how she should apply it. "The instructions are on the bottle" came the helpful reply. I must say that the staff there are normally much more helpful than that.

I asked a different assistant where the glue was and was instantly told Ailse 3 down on the left. I went there and immiediately spotted the glue I required. I grabbed a tube and looked at the label to check. The very nice Frenchman standing next to me said "Do you know about glue?". Was he questioning my choice? Was he about to advise on the best glue for inhaling? No, he just wanted advice on wood glue - which I gladly gave. What a nice conversation. You see - DIY can be fun. Actually, I have just spent 2 hours sugar-soaping a ceiling and that isn't so fun.

Date Error

Aside from the odd inconsistent date formatting, can anyone decipher when precisely this Dane is on holiday? I received this on the 6th May.

I'm out of the office on 07-05-04 to 13.04.04 due to public holiday in Denmark and I will have no access to my e-mail.

I guess it's simply the 13th of May but it's odd that it arrived before he'd even left.

Tube Joy

I have encountered a number of odd incidents on the tube and not a week goes by without some notable event. Within the last week or so I travelled alongside a bloke holding a (freshly used) garden strimmer. Coincidentally Karen was in the post office the other day and a man had a pair of shears pointing dangerously out of his ruck sack. It's a dangerous Gardener's World - I confess to having recurring nightmare about being trapped by a pair of Dimmocks.

Back to the tube. Last week I was standing near one of the doors and a girl got on and stood in the centre, not holding on. At one point the train lurched, as they tend to do. I had my head bent forward reading and noticed this hand coming flying just past my face and grabbing on to the pole. To all intents and purposes it seemed to me like she was punching me but just missing although I obviously knew the truth.

I slowly looked up at her with a serious face and she realised how it could have looked. I waved a finger at her and said, aggressively "Don' t start [anything]!". Fortunately she saw the funny side and rewarded me with a lovely smile.

A few days later I hopped on a tube and the doors closed. There were a lot of people standing. The train didn't move. The driver's voice came clearly over the tannoy, an unusual event in itself I guess, and he said: "Ladies and Gentlemen. Pickpockets and Beggars have boarded this train. Please do not encourage these illegal activities. Keep all belongings..." etc. I looked around at some of the other people standing near to me. Some had ignored it but some were clearly taking it all in. The guy nearest to me was wearling a woolly hat pulled tight over his head and a duffle coat. We looked at each other. "It's not you is it?" I asked him accusingly. "Well I suppose I look like it could be me" he said. He then kicked my head in. Actually I made that last bit up. Luckily he too saw the funny side.

Run for Your Life

I have decided to go for a run today. I gave up my gym membership as I didn't go often enough but haven't substituted anything else. Time to fix that.

So I'm in shorts, T shirt, white socks and I go downstairs. Ryan does a double-take and says what are you doing? Are you playing golf today? I laugh at this. I don't normally play golf in shorts but it has been known. So I say, no, I'm going for a run.

"Why?" asks Ryan and then, quizzically, "because you want to?".

Good bloody question!