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Sleep

Did you see that porgram by Professor Robert Winsotn last night? All about sleep patterns and how to sleep better. Fascinating stuff. Can't stop thinking about it. Which is a pity as it's now three bloody thirty in the morning.

Royal Variety Performance

Did you see any of it last night? Totally and utterly embarrassing. Babs Windsor speaking as if it was her first time, Lamar's weak rendition of a classic song and a bloke in a leotard with bits of cardboard. That was about ten minutes of it and all I could stand.

Mass Destruction

So, there were definitely, apsolutely, irrefutably no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Our crazed Prime Minister, Tony Blur, is saying "Sadam was thinking about creating WMD so we had to ignore the UN, side with that other zealot Bush and invade". Despicable.

I hear that some bloke in Cardiff is thinking about growing thermo-nuclear leeks and feeding them to the children of Wales thus creating Welshmen of Mass Destruction. Unfortunately, even Tony can't use this as an excuse to invade as Wales as Europrats missed Wales off their map of Europe.

Actually this is what is called a Victimless Crime as Wales doesn't want to be associated with Europe anyway.

Dan Brown Books

Dan Brown has 3 books in the top ten bestseller list at the moment and I have read all of them. I have a fourth of his as well. Titles include The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons. They are real page turners and the author obviously puts a lot of research into his works and then tries to incorporate it all. Therefore, in homage to Mr Brown, I have started a book. I hope those of you who have had the pleasure of reading his work will enjoy the following:

Smegma Core. By Don Brawn

PROLOGUE

"De duobus malis, minus est semper eligendum" whispered the man with this distinctive body deformity. "Choose the lesser of two evils. Either I snap every bone in your body into three pieces using just the little finger of my right hand in which case your body collapses into a heap not dissimilar to dung, or I insert three trillion microscopic needles into your back using the Intensathrob gun I hold in my left hand and your blood will drain away like your life.". Akabjhy Delthrope stared up into the man's remaining good eye and knew his time had come.

CHAPTER 1

Jet Black was a highly fit man. He did 3000 press-ups each morning whilst throwing a medicine ball into a hoop using his muscular backside. At the laboratory, where everybody is brilliant and gets paid diddly squat, he was known as Guy. He thought this was to do with his guile, his charisma, his cunning. Actually he was named after a Gorilla who had 3 brain cells but was immensely strong. Despite being the only man ever to get 36 A levels at the age of 3 and a half, Jet sometimes missed what mere mortals may describe as "The Bleeding Obvious". However, he was a good natured man as well as being incredibly good looking for just 42, about my age actually, and found that intelligent attractive women threw themselves at him, which is what I am hoping will happen if I write enough of these books.

Jet worked at the Massacheussets Incredibly Diverse Research Institute For Teachers. Jet chuckled to himself thinking that nobody would guess that the initials spelt MIDRIFT. He always thought it should have been called 6 pack after his ever tightening lower chest muscles. Molecular signals and mechanisms that induce and regulate myogenesis during development and regeneration, nerve-muscle interactions, and human diseases of skeletal muscle was one of his favourite subjects. What a tiresome twat.

As he entered the lab having entered his 29 digit polyalphabetic passcode giving, ooohh some big number with lots of noughts on it in permutations, taken a retina scan check, a finger print test, dual DNA tests (ever since they learnt that DNA tests weren't reliable - boy was that news for the CIA), and ticked a box on a form confirming that yes, indeed, he was Jet Black, he waved a cheery hello to Jackson. Jackson was a mid-fifties Nigerian who had worked at the lab for over 80 years ever since it was built in the last decade. Little did Jet realise that the wave was the last sane thing that would happen to him that day.

CHAPTER 2

In another part of the world, B Adguy was preparing himself for this last great mission. The Fuhrer had given him clear instructions. He was to steal the Earth's core. Adguy didn't know what he was going to do with it but he just dumbly took orders to make the plot more interesting. "Bon jour" he said in French to his assistant "Hello" he needlessly repeated in English. "Comment sa va?" he enquired "How are the devil are you?" he irritatingly translated again. The assistant just nodded dumbly as that is all you can do when you are wrapped in 200 metres of high tensile steel and your neck half severed.

CHAPTER 3

Jet wandered into his office. He noticed a small black disc on the centre of hid desk. He slid it across the formica surface and turned it over. He stared in disbelief at the scripture engraved into its veneer. There was a smudge and a black dot. It was the sign of a long-forgotten underground group called TFL - Transport for London.

CHAPTER 4

Adguy pondered. Was Don Brawn paid by the chapter? Why did his chapters get shorter and shorter throughout the book?

CHAPTER 5

As he stared at the disk, Jet thought he was suffering from stabilized fading. [Author's note: Paste in copy nicked from the Internet. Plagairism is the New Research.] If you stare at a strong stimulus for about a minute and then look away you will continue to see an after image of the stimulus for some seconds and then it will disappear. But for a time you can bring it back to life by blinking. The blinking brings a temporal factor to the otherwise stabilized retinal image and it becomes visible for a while.

Looking at the disk, Jet knew that most people would see the smudge in the upper left disappear as they stared at the black dot. Most people would not see the smudge disappear in the upper right.

In the upper left, the darker area slowly becomes lighter as one moves away from the black dot. This gradual change from black to white is a poor stimulus for sustaining visual perception. However, if you allow your eyes to freely move over the stimulus the perception of it will be sustained. When you fixate on the black dot and try and hold your gaze as steady as possible the smudge should fade away and the color of the background would predominate.

The upper right figure is exactly the same as the upper left except for the dark gray ring. This dark gray ring is sufficient to keep the stimulus "alive" no matter how hard you stare.

When you fixate the black dot and try to hold your gaze as steady as possible, your eyes are still in constant motion. True, many of these eye movements are very tiny tremors as opposed to the large saccades or pursuit eye movements we make. Nevertheless these small tremors can keep a stimulus "alive". When the stimulus is one as in the upper left where there is a very gradual change from gray to white, the change in stimulation is so slight as to approach that encountered by the steady state condition of a stabilized image. As a result the image fades.

You will undoubtedly have noticed that even when you fixated the upper left field and the smudge disappeared, it would spontaneously reappear and then again fade. It reappeared because you made a large enough eye movement.

The dark gray ring in the lower left will respond to even the very small eye tremors thus keeping the image "alive."

All across America, readers of this book were found hanging....in suspense.

CHAPTER 6

Dulcet Tones was a leggy, intelligent, small-breasted woman who despised all men except if their name was Don. She slipped on her Janet Reger underwear and admired herself in the full length mirror of her 80,000 square foot apartment overlooking Central Park, New York. Only the top 0.00001% net worth of people could afford the view. And I don't mean Central Park. Hmm not bad for 98 she thought, that wrinkle cream really works. Must lose about 3 or 4 more grams though. She set about her daily fitness routine of cycling 3 laps of her gym and 4 lengths of her indoor pool. Cycling 90Km a day and swimming 24km was enough for anyone she thought. There was no need to get obsessive about these things.

As she slipped into her lycra Giromante hand-stitched cycling gear, the phone rang. She let the answering machine pick it up. Later that day, she was to regret this simple decision.

CHAPTER 7

Blad Flint had been Jet Black's boss for 7 years. They admired each immensely but they didn't get on socially. Jet wasn't really sure why but since that eventful dinner in 1998 Blad had started calling him Guy along with everyone else. On the outside, Blad seemed like a committed hard working journey man who was incorruptible. However, all regular readers knew that he was the obvious plant in the story who, at the end of page 2764, would turn out to be the Fuhrer.

CHAPTER 8

Akabjhy Delthrope, remember him from the prologue?, suddenly appears in the story. Don Brawn chuckled to himself realising that millions of hapless readers will flip through the earlier chapters looking for the distinctive name that they were sure they had come across earlier. Only a few of them would think of looking in the Prologue. Wankers. Where was I? Oh yes. Akabjhy Delthrope didn't see the man with the disctiinctive body deformity (choose from one eye, no ears (and no glasses then!), half a leg or something, as he silently slipped into the elevator with him. He first new that the man with the body...oh look you all know it's B Adguy by now so can I stop messing around?, was behind him when he felt the immense pincer-like force of the man's deformed testicles squeezing the lif blood out of him as he pressed the emergency stop button with his withered, deformed leg. [Author's note: Just copy the Prologue in here to save time. Hmm I wonder if the Prologue counts as a chapter?].

Delthrope was too scared to choose, so Adguy got out the Intensathrob gun and slowly peeled away his victim's shirt. Delthrope started to wonder if Brawn had been bullied at school but there was a blinding light as the searing pain ripped through his body. "Die, suffer, die you miserable bastard" said Brawn, suddenly slipping into character, "That will teach you for calling me Prawnface at school.". He cackled maniacally to himself hoping that, at last, two billion readers of his books would be enough for him. However, deep down he knew it would never be enough.

CHAPTER 9

Back in Jet's office only 3 chapters and twelve nano-seconds had passed. Don Brawn gleefully rubbed his hands together and started another Chapter.

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You'll have to wait to see what interesting twists and turns this story takes becuase Suspense is King. I'll just get my lawyers ready just in case Mr Brawn gets upset.

Insurance Claim

It's an increasingly common occurrence for people who trip over a crack in the payment to successfully sue their council for damages. I have littel sympathy for them mostly as they are trying it on. Indeed they should Shut Up!.

However, this is what I call a kerbstone.

They Aught to Know Better

The Nationwide Building Society. Cuddly. Caring. Anti-carpet bagging, staying mutual, lovely bunnies.

So why do they send me a leaflet with big letters saying "Want to save money?" when in fact it's not about saving at all - it's about getting into debt. They should Shut Up!.

See this category for more people who should shut up or maybe click on of the links on the right that you hadn't noticed before. Or go and get a paper and cup of coffee as it's Saturday morning. Feel free to choose. tptblog. the blog that cares.

Britney Spearmint

You remember Britney, Baby, Baby? That was years ago when she was provocatively dressed as a schoolgirl on her video. You'd think she would have grown up by now wouldn't you? Apparently not. She married her "childhood sweetheart" only to have the marriage annulled 48 hours later as they "didn't know each other well enough". Some people don't know they're born. Britney is yet another person who should Shut Up!

Posh Dosh

It obviously isn't easy for Victoria Beckham with her fame and riches. The URL of her official website as http://www.victoriabeckham.mu/ one has to assume that the "mu" is pronounced "moo". Anyway, don't bother clicking on the link as it isn't even ready yet. She has decided to stoke the embers of her dying pop career by releasing two singles and asking which one should be in the charts - and then ignoring the answer.

At least one of her singles is probably OK but that is not what sells and I think she is history so should do the polite thing and Shut Up!

In the People Who Should Shut Up! category I have already done Michael Jackson. After his latest TV interview it's a pity he didn't listen.

CUP is UP

You will recall my mentioning the Campaign for Unobstucted Pedestrianism earlier. Well you will pleased that the movement is gaining momentum now thanks to your support. There is now a href=http://www.tptb.co.uk/cup.htm>Complete Web Page devoted to it. Way to go! Support CUP, chant the mantra, sign up, send money.

Obviously the Obstructors are people who should SHUT UP!

Cab Drivers - shut up!

Continuing a most favourite theme of People Who Should Shut Up I bring you Minicab and Taxi Drivers as seen earlier. Here are some choice subjects an opinions they proffer:

Driver: "I've 'ad enuff of this country. As soon as I can get enuff money togevver I'm goin' to Spain".

Me: "Are you sure life is much better in Spain?"

Driver: "Urrrrmmm, I dunno, I never really thought about it that way. I know it's 'ot over there and the cab drivers have Mercedes"

or how about

Driver: "'ere, you know anyfing about this share bizness?"

Me: "Yeah well my first tip for you is not to take advice from some drunken bum who has just got in the back of your cab"

Driver: "Oh good", ignoring what I said completely so he can't have been totally stupid, "what's a good price for a share?"

Me, slightly baffled: "Err well it's not the price that counts per se as that just represents the value of the company at that time depending on the number of shares issued. It's that value that is more important."

Driver, faithfully sticking to his plan of ignoring me: "Oh I see...so would would £1.75 be a good price? I think that's a little high? What do you think?"

Me: "I think that with your incredibly poor understanding of such simple concepts you should stick to what you are good at. Or, failing that, cab driving."

Driver: "Personally I think anything less than a quid is good."

All together now, Minicab and Tax Drivers, SHUT UP!

And that bloke who yelled abuse at his chauffer because he parked 20 feet away (thanks for the story Alex) can shut up too.

They are not all bad though. Remember George?

Security Lights

If I am walking on the pavement - you know that communal bit of land that you don't own - then why does you security light come on? Why can't I just walk along, minding my own business without 200 watts of search light beaming at me? Security lights - Shut Up!

Shut Up!

There are a lot of people who over extend their freedom of speech. I'm probably one of them but it's my blog so stop reading if you don't like it. As a starter for 10 in tis category, here are a few people who should Shut Up! each with their own wav file.

1. People on the tube in rush hour who say "I'm glad I don't have to do this every day". Well others have to so Shut Up!

2. Richard Branson. "Why should Concorde stop flying just because the bean counters at BA say so". Because it won't have a certificate of air-worthiness you idiot. Shut Up!

3. Paul Burrell, Princess Di's butler. Money grabbing double crossing pig - just do what the Princes (Wills and Harry) ask of you! Shut Up!