tptb dragoon

Lost Consonants

I have just received an email with the subject line of:

Night Shits up for grabs

What an image!

Missing Child

A perfectly oridinary set of old signs. But look more closely.

Do you see it?

A small child has been rammed through the sign and all that is left is her little pink welly. She was hanging out the other side - Obviously I couldn't take a photo of her as I was too busy laughing, urrm, I mean helping.

Museum Piece

We went to the RAF Museum, Hendon, yesterday which is a really neat place to go - no litter. Lots of space, interactive bits for the kids, huge planes. And very educational as can be seen by this example of the information they have depoly around the exhibits.

Are you embarrassed easily?

Beautiful Birds

A place to truss up your chickens.

E's missing

Love Bags

I didn't know you coud buy them. Actually I am not sure what they are but they sound nice.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Your feet?

Murder? An Argument?

What do you reckon went on here then?

Lets get smart

These guys have spent a lot on this ad I reckon:

and they have a, errm, really cool company name:

But I am not sure they want networking people or not:

Actually the page was hoplessly formatted and riddled with other spelling mistakes. However, these things happen. I recall working at Easynet and we had a product called Easynet Everywhere and took a full page colour advert in an Internet magazine. Only trouble is the "y" was missing from Everywhere and nobody noticed when doing the proof reading.

Worse than that was back in the very early days of Internet access when I was at Demon, we used to print a covering letter to go with the marketing literature. In that letter we covered a number of aspects of what the Internet could provide including all the Public Domain material. Unfortunately, we missed the "l" in public out and, being a correct word, this wasn't picked up by the spell-checker. I think it wasn't noticed for several months.

I could go on...

A stands for Arse

The poor girl second from the left has a problem withe her A. There are some things even your best friends can't tell you apparently.

Polite Notice

You know people sometimes put up signs sayig "Polite Notice. Please don't park here as access is needed 24/7"? Well I think the word "Polite" is used as it may look like "Police" when glanced at. Otherwise it's just plain weird.

Anyway, my favourite sign to date is pictured here. A very polite notice indeed with just the nice subtlety of the tractor parked on top of the car bonnet so you know that their machinery is bigger and uglier than yours.

Why?

Why do I get rectangular envelopes with "This is not a circular" on?

Why, as a very nervous patient, do I have to go to a Dentist Practice?

Why can't I think of the third thing to write when they go nicely in threes?

Emergency action

This was taken in a small plane when we were on holiday. Nathan pointed out to me and I did the right and proper thing - I took a photo then followed the instructions. The dentist says it will take months to put his teeth right again.

Do as you are told

The challenge is to obstruct the driveways but without parking apparently. A skip should do it or a fallen tree perhaps.

Dog Poo

There's been quite a collection of anti-dog poo signs posted here and over on Funky Pancake but this is my favourite. I think it's important to have a favourite of these things, don't you? There must have been a council committee that got together and passed a motion (ah ha!) to have one of these set into a concrete flagstone. And then they had to agree where to position it. Finally, somebody has to come along with a pair of shears and cut the grass round the edges otherwise it will cover it up. That shows real care.

The Scilly Isles

Lovely islands but they don't half talk funny:

We all need a good partner

Wide Bodied Jets

A while ago those astute Americans decided that they were getting heavier and so updated the average weight for passengers flying on their planes. 190 pounds apparently. Except in winter when it is 195 pounds.

I am not sure if this sign was aimed at tourists or not regardless of the width of their bottoms or their countru of origin. Sadly there were only 8 of us so we couldn't test the 15 theory out and we didn't have a bike. Oh and no, this wasn't the Millenium Bridge.

To Infinity...and Beyond

In fact beyond that line were two blokes who firstly ignored us and then grunted hello and went back to looking at their 4-horned goats. It would have been helpful if there had been a pot of paint and a brush so we could have finished the sentence off. Maybe Beyond This Line are the words "Beyond This Line"?

Tribble Trouble

What's the difference between triple and treble? No difference but the Enlish language likes having multiple words for the same thing and it is indeed a beautiful thing. Now, Tribbles are a completely different kettle of fish altogether. I believe they were introduced by The Goodies and they are nice pets - no feeding or pooping.

There was a program on The Goodies last night but I fell asleep through it - however I think they said there were 9 series and they weren't repeated. I have trouble believing the second statistic although I am confident that they weren't repeated in recent years. It's classic comedy, albeit a little dated now, and deserves a re-run. Trouble is it's owned by the BBC who have probably burnt it, copied an episode of Eastenders over the top of it or are hanging on to their copyright so tightly that they have white knuckles aso nobody gets a look in. Or all three.

ishness

"ish" is normally applied to things that don't quite meet the mark. e.g. "How was your meeting?" Answer "It was Ok - ish". It's a sort of modifying downwards of an assessment of something. Hence: stylish. That's how I have determined to use that word from now on. "She's a stylish woman" - ahh yes if you think that combination of string thing/jewels/sunglasses/off-road vehicle in Surbiton is style. Try it and see if it works for you.

Of course there is brandish and vanish etc. but they mess up my point of view so I'll ignore those sort of words.

Foot in Mouth Awards

I'm often putting my foot in it, as the saying goes. Sometimes it's because I haven't completely engaged my brain before my mouth opens but other times I just get "unlucky". Here's a good one: I had gone to see a German subsidiary where things were not going well and was having a board meeting looking at the figures. Sales were up nicely in the preceeding month and I was pleased but also ever so slightly suspicious. So I jokingly, ha bloody ha, asked the German MD if these new sales had been made to his brother. He replied, in a tone that can only be matter-of-factly described as Germanic: "No. My Brother is dead."

But these things do happen to other people. I was going to a funeral but went in to see a client before. One of the secretarys remarked on how miserable her boss looked with his dark tie and then told me that I looked like I was going to a funeral. "That's handy" I said and made her feel about 6 inches tall. Actually I wasn't nearly as harsh on here as I could have been.

I watched a little of those TV Blooper programs last night. In amidst the rather tedious actors tripping over their words or forgetting their lines was a morning TV program. On these programs they discuss the most bizarre things over a morning cuppa. This time it was sex toys, one of which they had on a finger and were extolling its capabilities. They summed it with the rather brilliant "So that's a thumbs-up for clitoral stimulators".

More spelling problems

The same place that had the crazy crazy golf signs also had this one.

Busy Bodies

Mrs Baggit is a neighbourhood busy body and probably drives a red estate car.

National Trust

Do we have any National trust any more? Probably not but did we ever? Anyway, I'm not going to launch into politics but The National Trust do some good work to preserve our, errr, English Heritage. Except that's a different organisation altogether. They have wonderful gardens, coastlines and gardens. And they preserve them using tweedy old wrinklies in green wellies - I'll be one of these one day.

They also preserve them by being particular about modes of transport allowed.

Places to Ass

You can never find a place to ass around when you need one. Fortunately, in Devoran, they help you out:

and, sure enough, we found a suitable place

Skip Woman

If you're a bloke in a red estate car, you can dump as much stuff as you like. But if you are a double-underlined woman then don't. Seconds later a red Volvo estate registration P342WGL passed us - if that is you - BEWARE.

If I Had a Hammer

At Trelissick Gardens there is a gallery of fine paintings and crafts. You have to take care especially if you have small children, buggies, long scarves, parkinson's etc. as it is easy to knock things over.

I think it's a bit much when they give you a hammer to have a go with though.

Park Your Fruit

Steps

Steps give you a bendy body.

Nice Names

London has some nice street names like Ropemaker Street and, ohhh I don't know you, and you can probably think of lots of better ones. In fact Dave already has and you can find out some history behind these. However it doesn't have the monopoly on these types of names. Here is one from St Ives in Cornwall. Nice huh?

Golf Sale

I appreciated this sign.

Some time ago there was some poor soul hanging on to a Golf Sale sign (maybe you don't get these down your way) and it was raining. He had a nice big umbrella. I offered him £10 for it which considering a) it was used b) there was a sale on apparently and c) I didn't have one, I thought very reasonable.

gadzookery

(gad-ZOO-kuh-ree) noun

Use of archaic words or expressions, e.g. wight (brave),
prithee (I pray thee), ye (you, the).

I guess you could add, "see gadzookery".

Dictionaries are strange places to get lost in. "recursion: see recursion" "Abbreviation: abbrev." etc.

Paranoia

resistentialism (ri-zis-TEN-shul-iz-um) noun

The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior against us.

If software is inanimate then I agree. Also some people are hostile without doing anything so they count as well.

The Robot Speaks

According to The Cyborg Name Generator I am T.P.T.B.: Technician Programmed for Troubleshooting and Battle which makes Y.O.U.: Ytterbium Obedient Unit. So there.

What I am Currently Reading

Bloggers sometimes have these sections: "What I am Reading", "What colour are today's socks", "What I am currently wiping my arse with" etc. So here's my contribution.

What I am Currently Reading. Apart from these words that I am typing. Oh and wondering whether there is a sexual meaning behind the fact that so many websites have a button saying "submit". No, to get to the point, if indeed there is one, and in any case it may be better if there wasn't one, urrrm. Damn, I've forgotten. Oh yes. The current book:

Are You Dave Gorman? It's a couple of years old but I don't have to be cutting edge...ever. Are you familiar with it? Please do read on...

Its about a stand-up comedian who takes on a bet to find 54 other people in the world with the same name as him. It's an OK book, quite funny in places and light reading. Good for when you're standing on the tube wishing you weren't.

It does throw up thoughts such as how many more books are there going to be about bets (Tony Hawks' Fridge Round Ireland and Tennis with the Moldavians spring to mind). If you are half decent at writing or recounting a story then you can make a living of doing, lets face it, complete bollocks. Has a certain appeal doesn't it?

The other main thought is at what point in this process did the two of them, the bettee and the bettor who take it in turn to narrate the story, decide to write a book about it. I'm up to Dave Gorman number 35 and they have been on stage, in the papers, on the news and been offered a TV series but apparently the idea of cashing in by writing a book has not occurred to them. Yeah, right.

Caption competition. 2.

We haven't had a competition in ages, which is probably just as well, but here goes. Captions for the following please.

Click on the picture for a larger version

Shyness

Even roadsigns are shy sometimes.

More Labels

You may have seen my earlier post about labels for people. Here's another one. Either mark knows his place - that is he likes to be on top of a roadside box - or he is perhaps advertising Wet Paint, a bit like advertising a Golf Sale. Or may be he thinks he is Wet Paint. Or perhaps the 't' in paint is optional.

Earlier on he did look a bit lost:

There are two massive pots in this tiny alleyway. I don't know how this restaurant gets away with it given that people complain about the overspill of tables and chairs on to our pavements.

A sign for everyone

Here is a sign for A C Cooper. If you are that person I can tell you that this in Soho, London. Come and claim it. If anybody sees the instructions for me, G B Davies, could they let me know please? Oh and if you let me know your name I'll gladly look out for yours.

Lost Consonants

I got a an email from the accounts department of a company, who shall not remain nameless as it was COLT, and I read part of it as "We have had problems due to a number of new farces in the accounts department". In fact there was no 'r' in farce but there definitely should have been.

There used to be a cartoon called Lost Consonants in one of the Sunday Magazines and I used to find it fairly amusing. In fact there are a lot of opportunities waiting to be found.

For instance I was thinking about this when passing a sweetshop that said they had a great choice. I was thinking about having a great choc-ice at the time.

Names

What's in a name? I was running a project to connect up a £1.5m piece of kit and they, the supplier on the other side of the desk, said I should allocate a name to the connection. I suggested Simon. I think they were expecting something more geeklike such as K9R2D2/FXNUTS. I don't know any Simons although I used to so it was nice to think I had another Simon in my life.

I bring you this nugget of useless and mindless nonsense because a) that is what I do b) that is why you come here, if not then what are you doing?? and c) I notice that Fujitsu have kindly given the battery in my laptop a name: CP147685-XX / CP147686-XX. It's nice to a have an alternative name just in case you forget the first. Me, I prefer more personal, firstname terms so I think I shall refer to the battery simply as CP. I only hope nearby batteries don't get confused.

Shortages

There's a shortage of shortages these days. When I were a lad we were always short of something. Or getting caught short. Or getting our shorts caught. I once caught site of a short-sighted man in caught shorts. But these days, well, there's too much of a shortage.

Dilemma

Which comes first - entry or finding the other room. Perhaps you can only get to the other room by going through this door? I think all companies should have a Fault Report Centre so that naughty employees can sit in detention. Of course it should be "the" Fault Report Centre. Who can I tell about this?

Half a Dog

To add to the collection of funny dog signs, I submit this which is the bottom half, or business end, of a dog.

The Wisdom of Homer

Homer, of Simpson fame and not the Iliad, says:

"Marge. It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen".

I suggest you bear this in mind for the next opportunity when you are in a tight spot.

One man's misery

is another's pleasure. I got an emergency call to go to lunch with a good friend of mine today and so off I popped. Andrew is part of a property business called Keats. A rival set up in the same area a short while ago and kindly called themselves Keatons. A fantastic marketing idea which didn't please the Keats office greatly. So it was a small pleasure to find an abandoned Keatons sign on the way to a Keats lunch.

Spelling Bee

Is spelling important? I think it depends on the circumstance. If I spot a spelling mistake or typo in the blog I generally fix it but it's not that important. If I was publishing something then I'd say it was of great importance. Where kids are concerned it is surely even more important though. Ryan got this first aid certificate tonight and it covers things like someone "beeding" to death - presumaby after they had sashed their wists - and people who suffer an "ashma" attack - probably from working down a coal mine.

Risk of Triangles

If you see a pair of right angle triangles, make sure you don't fall between them.

Initial Problem

Initials are everywhere which can lead to misinterpretation especially if you a BMW driver. He/she must have thought m/c stood for My Car[parking space] or Manic Chauffer or similar. However I thought it stood for Motor Cycle. Still they knew when to stop - when the side of the car hit the concrete.

Perhaps he thought his car looked this

Builder's Bum - it's Todd!

I don't pinch other people blog links as I have a very high moral code as you may have noted apart from the profanity, hatred stuff and all the cracked software. This photo was submitted by Dave C and it was sent to him possibly by an Australian. Certainly by someone who knew that the recipients could never work out what the joke was unless they drew a red ring round it so I suspect he must have been Australian.

Lily the Pink

Do you remember The Scaffold with their song Lily the Pink? If you're lucky you don't - check out those lyrics. Surely they are incomplete - as is this scaffold. But what are you meant to do about it? You should be able to get signs down your local DIY store saying "Warning: Incomplete DIY" and out them in front of your house or that wonly set of shelves.

CUP is UP

You will recall my mentioning the Campaign for Unobstucted Pedestrianism earlier. Well you will pleased that the movement is gaining momentum now thanks to your support. There is now a href=http://www.tptb.co.uk/cup.htm>Complete Web Page devoted to it. Way to go! Support CUP, chant the mantra, sign up, send money.

Obviously the Obstructors are people who should SHUT UP!

Running on time

I went to Leicester yesterday and it took three different trains and nearly 3 hours to get there. Unexpectedly I had to return to St Pancras, back up to Barnet, put my DJ on and get back to Park Lane by 7pm. So I rushed out of the office at about 3:20 and walked to the station. Anxious to find the right train/platform I was presented with this informative display.

Yes, Bill Gates can even help mess up the UK railways. The message, which is a new one on me, says "It has been some time since you installed this product. There may be a newer version available. Would you like to upgrade now?". I am not sure what the best answer was - anything to get it off the screen but as it was 20 feet above me and I culdn't find the 6 foot mouse to operate it I just looked for the train details - and the time and platform for my train was nicely obscured.

As it happens I went to the wrong platform, saw the right platform, crossed over and 2 minutes later got on the next train which was going directly to St Pancras. My two other trains required only 10 minutes and 3 minutes' waiting time respectively and I got home, changed, did homey type things, got a cab and was in The Hilton by 7:10pm. Mark was 30 minutes late. Wanker.

Rail humour

Who says railway operators don't have a sense of humour? This is the Harry Potter inspired sign at King's Cross.

Well you wouldn't would you?

If this really was your name?

Graffiti artists rule

Due to the Northern line being bust again I am using an alternative route to work which happens to be faster if I am lucky. The pic shows the roof of Oakwood Park Main Line station. There is a little logo of a CCTV camera and there is the roof. Bang in the centre is a nice bit of graffiti. The Graffiti-ists will risk life and limb and get caught on camera in pursuit of their art - well done to them.

Which way now?

This sign is on an exit door and judging by the fact that the man in it is running it would be fair to assume that it is important. An emergency exit of some sort. Lets say the buidling is on fire and you look at this sign. What's the white rectangle all about then? Lets have a heated debate about it. Then there's that arrow - if this was a raod sign it would point upwards to go forwards. There is no way you can go down so it must be pointing you back into the building. Which is handy. It's more handy if you happen to have a yellow helmet and a fire hos of course.

That Friday feeling

We all feel like this sometimes.

He's a real Nowhere Man

We've already established that "Now then" is a contradiction but we need to add "nowhere" which on the face of things seem to indicate something that is elsewhere. However it is made up of "now" and "here" which are very much immediate things that are present. Nice one.

CUP

There are a lot of irritating acronyms for various people's campaign. ASH for instance is the anti-smoking habit brigade. When I walk down South Molten Street or Tottenham Court Road I am often stopped by Amnesty International representatives or Shelter or Metal Dustbins for Old Ladies or something. I sometimes pretend to be on the phone rather than having to politely decline their request to interrupt my day - sometimes 4 times in a 150 metre walk. So I think I'll start The Campaign for Unaccosted Pedestrianism. I shall print leaflets that I will only silently hand to people who choose to engage me in their personal agendas. I also recommending trying to sell something, a pot, some dirt, anything at all, to the next door-to-door salesman who knocks on your door.

More toilet trouble

Mens toilets are wonderful places giving no end of entertainment as can be seen earlier. This sign says Please Don't Use which, lets face it, is a pretty all encompassing statement. Don't use for what? Don't use it as a sign? People with pens should really sort their lives out. Actually so should people with penises which is almost the same. I understand there is video evidence of the desecration and forensics will be called in.

ID Cards

Despite the back-lash against photo ID cards there are a lot of people who carry them. Sadly the photos on the cards are about 20 years out of date as we see here. Nice of The Finger to join in again.

Pee Dating

What is it? Boy Meets Girls Pee Dating dot com. Sounds like fun.

New words

New words get introduced to our vocabulary all the time. I'd like to suggest "webshite" as my offering for this week as I have had the misfortune to have to trawl through huge bucketloads of crummy web sites today and I have had enough of it. There, I feel better now.

Toilet trouble

Luckily for us all these day people put clear signs on things. In the toilet in the local Greek restaurant, The Lantern an establishment which is otherwise pretty low on merit, they have these nice drawings on everything. Notice The Finger is there again to help you identify the part of the photo to look at. Unfortunately there was no sign on the door so I had to wait for the next bloke before being let out.

Identity Parade

Do you recognise these young funky people? ID cards are funny things. We need to design ones for our company so I thought I'd run a competition. The winning design will win a watch...more of which later.

Nice finger pointing don't you think?

Strength

Its a such a strong word as it only has one of the puny vowel type things and seven consonants. Well done. Of course there is that six letter word that has no proper vowels but does have two syllables - rhythm.

TGIF

We thank goodness/god/Godley and Creme that it's Friday mainly because the weekend follows. I have just received a nice email from a Danish guy who closed with "You may have a splendid weekend." which is an acute observation! I shall introduce this into my langauge: "You may have a merry christmas" "you may enjoy my blog" etc.

No bikes

The sign is one of those miserable stickers saying any bike left there will be removed. The sign is about 12 foot off the ground and you would have to lean across the wall to commit the offence and then suffer the pain of watching your bike crash to the basement below.

Protection

I assume the ear protection is against lightning or other electric shocks. The lower sign is a pair of trousers and definitely not a jacket.

The Sky's the limit

Sky should know better.

Standing Room Only

So what does a man stand to do, a woman sit to do and a dog lift one leg to do? Shake hands. Standing is a funny English expression. If you want to get a parliamentary seat you have to stand for election. If you stand someone up you don't actually touch them at all. I can't stand all this confusion but I am sure I won't take it lying down. Maybe someone could stand in [something] for me? I'll stand you a drink if you do. Adam Ant was sure, adamant even, that he wanted us to to stand and deliver. Which one? Contradictions abound. Now then, and there's a contradiction to start with, I think I'm going to go down the estate agents and ask to buy a house with just a standing room.

Too many words

Fracas. It's a brawl. Look up brawl. It's a fracas. So why did we borrow a word from the French? Maybe Orwell was right and we should remove some of the unnecessary words. I think he was silent on the French though. Words are difficult Johnnies though especially if you have to write them by hand. Have you ever done that? Well of course, but I mean a decent amount in recent times? On holiday I tried to do a paper diary and, although I wrote almost 30 smallish pages, I failed because I only got to day 4. It's hard work and makes my wrist ache. I found I wanted to write a lot more than just "Got up, went to the beach, had a bbq, drank beer" and it is not easy in the 100 degree temperatures and I lose interest at night. For posterity, or whatever, I'll copy out the first bit later on maybe.

More Text confusion

You may recall, but I'd be amazed if you did, some earlier text confusion and I now have some more. Its from Dave and I was prewarned about it and had a good idea what it should have said.

"Just got your docile. Did you mean lunch in a moment. He so. Yes. When. Where. Good news about the rioto."

Maybe if it is said with an Italian accent it sounds better.

Summer Holiday

I'll soon be on mine and completely blogged off for two weeks. So I thought some appropriate anagrams were in order.

Hired a slum - o my! (we've all done that)
Rims ya mudhole (I haven't done this!)
Maim (oops!) lousy herd (especially if they are German and have got the sunbeds)
A louder shimmy (on the dance floor)
I may hurl domes (or frisbees on the beach)
U rim a shy model (club 18-30)
Hours delay imm (immenent)
Oh made him surly (must have been the delays)
Roamed mushily (holiday romance)
I'm Audrey Holms (have you met her?)
Had yummier sol (my holiday was better than yours)
Yes oil mum hard (instruction to Dad on the beach)
So he laid rummy (playing cards when it's raining)
U, my dismal hero (desperate spare at the end of the night)
Lush diary memo (to record the happy events)

and don't forget:

Do rush my email.

The French

Hate them or loathe them there is no getting away from them. So why is the price cheaper for the French? Is it:

1. Somebody actually likes the French
2. The French can't actually read so its the pictures only version
3. There's a one missing and it's really £11.50

Derek and Clive

They (Pete and Dud in fact) wrote a poem of which I am reminded. "Jump, you fucker jump. Jump down into this blanket what we are holding. He jumped down to the deck, broke his fucking neck. There was no blanket. Laugh? I nearly cried." etc. Anyway, the dogs wouldn't jump because they had heard it before no doubt.

The streets are paved with gold

They're not because in Cornwall they take cleanliness very seriously indeed. It's next to godliness apparently so you know where to find it. So serious are they about it they have signs up telling you where they are washing the streets next. Marvellous.

A clutch

The collective noun for a load of schoolteachers is a clutch or a thatch.

E by 'eck

The letter e is important. It occurs only once in "umbrella" but twice in "needy" and "greedy" but also, sadly, in "seedy" and "weedy" . I saw a nice umbrella that had been (more "e"s there... and in "there") blown inside out and obviously discarded. It made a delightful piece of still art (or street litter as it is better known). It was a decent (2 "e"s) umbrella and I would have like to have seen (tr"e"m"e"ndous) the obviously very affluent owner chcuh it down in disgust. Unfortunately Karen has the camera today so I couldn't take a photo. Damn! (No "e"s).

Standing in line at the bank I overheard the girl (no "e"s) in front say, "Please make the cheque out to Tracy Edwards. No 'e'". What? But that would be Tracy Dwards! I almost pointed out the error of her ways to her but thought better (2 "e"s) of it. Actually my mate's name is Hen3ry but the 3 is silent. As perhaps I should be.

Google

It's a very popular search engine isn't it? Well it is with me anyway. There are number of spin-offs from the site for instance elgooG and so on. There also some rigged jokes:

For instance, go to www.google.com and type in "weapons of mass destruction" and press "I feel lucky" and read the next page carefully.

Or type on "french military victories" and press "I feel lucky". Priceless. They're both rigged but I don't care.

Stereotyping

This is much underused and underated. For instance, I went to the local cubs and scouts AGM last night (well what do you do on a Friday evening that's so great?) and the scoutmaster or whatever he is called gave a speech. Imagine what he might look like then click to view

Missing words

Some just said "Words escape me.". What did he mean? When they leave your lips words must escape your body. Or is this guy mute? In which case how did he tell me in the first place? Well I can answer the last one - it was said in email. In which case I should have added the '!' he used but then you may have realised it wasn't actually speech. Have you noticed that this blog poses more questions than it answers? Or does it? You have? Or haven't you?

Anyway I have asked if I can quote him on his response. And since it's that loud mouthed Scottish ne'er-do-well Neil then it is indeed quotable.

Word merging

Drop the end letter of random words and attach them to the start of the next. Or the other way round

Chri swill like toe at a Big Mac ford inner. My do ghas non ose. As titch in time save snine. The cats at on them at.

The best form of defence is attack

Or more defence. I was talking to someone about an incident and I said "It's OK, don't get defensive, I am not criticising." and they replied "I'm not being defensive, I'm just saying it wasn't me.". Perfect.

Lagoons

You know the old saying "You can't beat a dragoon on a lagoon."? Well you wouldn't as I just made it up. However, I fancy trying it so if you have the necessary please get in touch.

Physics Limericks

Check them out

There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?

When one door closes another one opens

Unlike this garage door and thousands like it in London. I have walked past this door about 1000 times in the last year and it has never been in use. Neither has the one next to it. Lies all lies. They are talking rubbish and they know it. Hence the grey bag that someone has left next to it. I could go on. No, really.

Tidyness is next to godliness

Not sure what the lesson here is. Maybe the teacher rebelled and chucked the sign out of the door?

Sneezing

A sneeze in time saves nine. A sneeze in the hand is worth two in the face. Why do we mostly sneeze twice?

Muck

Said with a Yorskshire accent: Where there's muck there's brass. I don't want either.

Dr Johnson

Dr Johnson wrote a lot of things including "No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money". He wrote that in the 18th century and it hasn't stood the test of time. Has it? How much is your subscription to this site? (My bank account details are available on request).