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A Good Night Out

What's your defnition of a good night out? Would it include finding random groceries in your hallway in the morning? Probably not.

Last night started off with the tale of my Australian/Hungarian friend Mladen trying to get his Chinese friend, Michael, and Michael's girlfiend to Paris. Although in fact they wanted to go to Shanghai. They weren't allowed aboard the Eurostar at Waterloo for some visa related mix-up. Mladen was due to meet me and sent me a text telling me of the problem and I helpfully replied "Anything I can do? Apart from laugh of course".

I wondered if the problem had anything to do with Michael being an ex-Chinese army missile guidance expert. Still, as he was visiting the heart of the Internet in Docklands that probably isn't best mentioned right now.

They descended on me at my office and web browsers were fired up and phonecalls made. We got enough cash together for them to fly out on the 9pm flight direct to Shanghai from Heathrow only to discover that Michael had got the dates mixed up and there was no flight yesterday evening. And then they had nowhere to stay of course.

My helpfulness was fully exhausted at this point so I went down the pub. Later I met up with Jim who gave me a lift to the Cricket Club where they have a nice bar and good food. Putting my laptop bag into his boot I couldn't fail to notice the remnants of a strange supermarket sweep shopping trip. Several pints later we went home and I retrieved my bag and Jim handed me:

• A box of trial size bleach bottles (who wants to trial bleach?)
• White Maltesers (yummy)
• Special K fruit bars
• Some Cereal
• Lsterine oral tablets

Quite why he had this variety of goods in his boot I have no idea. He handed me the box of bleach which I took in one arm - my other hand was holding my laptop. I gave him an old-fashioned look. No, I don't know what that means either but I'm sure I did it. I notice he took great pleasure in piling more and more stuff on me in a sort of real life game of Buckaroo and then he watched me stagger drunkenly to the door and attempt to open it without dropping everything.

So there we are. I think I must have drunk some of the bleach judging by the state of my throat this morning. Nathan's already had some of the cereal and I am looking forward to elevenses when I intead to make a start on the Maltesers. It must have been a good night out.

Acidic Beer

The beer at the local is pretty dangerous stuff so precautions are recommended.

Life Sentence

Down the pub, as you do, you mean all sorts of people. The other night we met Mac. Real name David Macmillan according to his prison release form shown here. He was drunk and we were getting there too so can we be sure of his story? It's certainly supported by the detail on the form - he spent 25 years in prison. He probably deserved to be a little drunk.

Everybody has their story and I guess 25 years meant he was given "Life or at least 25 years" but I don't know how parole fitted in to that. The background, according to Mac, was LSD and a death and he wouldn't grass on the perp and so did the full stretch. He said it was Operation Julie which was a big drugs bust in 1977 but there is not much info on the net about it. I could always buy the book though and see if Mac turns up next Tuesday as we suggested he might.

Guest Beer

Pubs often have guest beers and the other evening they were serving 10cc of Judge Dread.

Dominos

The pub near the office has an outside patio called the street and we prefer standing out there and watching the world go by. They are most obliging and allow us to take table 12 out to use since the green cable street box we used to put our beer on was taken away. The "Keep Left" sign helps us find the beer later on in the evening which is always a help.

Sadly, one thing (lots of beer) often leads to another and the domino effect kicks in and Chris falls over.

Selling Lines

Drugs are a problem round most parts of the world but I thought this was pretty blatant advertising all the same. Maybe the police turn a blind eye. Although if any given eye is blind it doesn't matter where you turn it does it? I recall the Two Ronnies announcing that a lorry load of monocles had been stolen and police were looking for a criminal with one eye. If they don't find him after a week they are going to open the other eye.

What does this shop sell?

Read on to find out

Shoes. S Wear I guess.

Specialist Shops

London is full of specialist shops - camping, music, sex, alchohol, drugs, toy cars, miniature soldiers, naval fluff and...beads. I had to go there for my wife you understand. It's not often you find yourself being the only bloke in a shop but years of buying lingerie....oh hang on, that's not quite right. Anyway, this particular bead emporium is in Covent Garden and is well worth a visit if beads are your bag.

Pub Singalong

It was Friday night at the Golden Eagle. Good singers were thin on the ground as shown by my pathetic drunken version of Tom Lehrer's song Poising the Pigeons. There were still some good characters there though including this guy who insisted he wasn't wearing a disguise.

Knees up Mother Brown

There is nothing like a good sing-song round the piano and the Golden Eagle in Marlyebone Lane is a great place for it on a Thursday or Friday evening. Here is a happy woman, a pianist and a Mark.

Inevitably we went to Bar Italia afterwards:

Ray

Tuesday night is beer night and this week was a good one as we returned to the Fuller's Ale Lodge after 4 to 5 weeks at the Running Horse. They were so pleased to see us which was nice. It might have been down to the £100 bar bill I didn't pay last time though. Ray is one of the reasons why we came back - he's a ood barman and a nice bloke.
This is Ray

Stags

There aren't so many weddings around these days although I'm going to my third one this year in a couple of week's time. However, the one over the weekend was for Neil who is pictured herre on his Stag Night. I don't know where that term comes from - something to do with the Triumph car I think. See? You learn something new every day. In between drinking venues Neil popped into this amusement arcade in "Fun Compton Street" ho bloody ho! I stayed outside and took this surreal picture by chance. Click on it to see a larger version. I think it must have been the absinthe that did it for me.

Neil is actually on a dance machine and, rather oddly, getting the high score.

More photos here...

This is the real Neil:

Dom is either coming or going and the girl on the right is giving The Finger which was kind of her.

Giving it large

Lee is holding court in the pub, Captions please. Oh and that's Matts on the right who is kindly hosting this blog.

Rob's Hat

Rob is a trendy guy who cuts a dash wherever he goes. He has his own website at www.ossifrage.net which is something to do with a dodgy bird I think. He goes on about "squeamish ossifrage" and amazingly that isn't even a Google Whack. Rob couldn't be with us for our regular drink last night but his hat could and we got it an orange juice.

The Hat is quite interesting actually. (read on!)

Not more interesting than Rob of course but maybe as talkative. It's a Tilley hat which apparently is the best outdoor hat in the world. Who wears a hat indoors anyway?

I particular like the stretching over the knee you have to do with it which must be particularly entertaining whilst walking down Oxford Street. The Hat doesn't necessarily suit all wearers though:

The Hat did turn to smoking late on in the evening though and was at rather a jaunty angle don't you think?

More stories of Rob's Hat soon I hope.

Sean the pub landlord

This is Sean who is the landlord of the local near the office. He's a nice enough bloke but thinks he is funny when he isn't - but don't we all ha ha! He was wearing this deckchair for a bet. Well that's what we assumed anyway. Odd thing is, when I was playing golf today an Irish guy called Sean in the group behind me asked me if I worked for Easynet. He used to serve in the Finnegan's Wake pub on the corner of Whitfield and Goodge Streets. This Sean is a nice guy too. They can't all be working in pubs though.

Lord Grosvenor

He's been found alive and well and obviously has the measure of Lee although he wants to know where Rupert Murdoch is.

Caption competition

The drunk, that's her on the left mostly, thinks Nothing's gonna change her world but she hadn't met Jules for very long at the time.

Then Chris decides to ask her, in a caring friendly way of course, if she is completely mad.

I must get round to editing my sound clips although there'd be little left of them if I did.

Wipe that smile

In one of the nice pubs visited I settled down in the loo to have a good old dump (or SACD as we used to call it - Stand Alone Core Dump). During this most essential and enjoyable process I noticed a lack of toilet roll. In fact the gents area was being redecorated and had bare plaster and no fittings. Someone had drwan their own directions of where to put soap dispensers etc. on to the plaster and I only hope the builder follows the directions.

So I stood and looked around and found a roll on top of the cistern. I'm just under 6 foot tall and could only just reach it. It hadn't been used - maybe becuase of the careful placment. Oddly enough it didn't have a hole in the middle (see the first photo). That's why there was no bogroll holder. The ladies' version was equally holeless but had some suspicious brown marks on

Ladies' roll photo by Ilsa.

Ploys R Us

There is a little cafe adjoining a pitch and putt and crazy golf place. The marketing of food and drink in such a place requires great depths including the use of several glitter balls on a revolving base. Captivating!

Bank Marketing - Proof

I know some of you doubt me sometimes but here is photographic evidence to support my earlier story that the HSBC marketing budget has been cut to £4.37 (inc. vat).

It says: "Are you looking at someone who is paying too much for their mortgage?". From where I was standing they would have to be spider man and hanging from the ceiling but I am sure they know their customers best.

Dr Who?

I am not sure who or what was behind this door so thought it best to make my excuses and leave.

Local bank marketing ploy

Once again I'm afraid I didn't have my camera with me but I might pop back there to see if they still have this gimmick on. I work in Mayfair, London, W1 which is a fairly upmarket place. On the corner of Grosvenor Street and New Bond Street you can see Armani, Gucci shops etc.. You can also walk into a branch of the HSBC bank.

HSBC are one of the top 5 banks in the UK. There was an easel there today with a flip chart. Written on the flipchart, using a variety of coloured marker pens was something corny along the lines of "Does the person you are looking at realise that they could be getting a better mortgage?" and this was written around a large mirror that had be glued on. It must have been a work experience guy having a laugh and cost all of £1.50. I bet that guy from the Halifax ads charges more.

Tramp Mystery

The tramp from earlier has gone but has left his bedding behind.

Mayfair Shops

The shops have really gone down in Mayfair but at least they are free. The first guy works for me (I don't pay very much). The second guy waited until the first one had left to see if he had added anything to the rubbish. In fact, the standard of rubbish is quite high I understand.

Small pet

This small pet wags it's tail, barks and flashes lights. A bargain at £5 apparently. It's the small yellow thing sitting in front of the toothly challenged offspring. When I was a lad we played with an old cotton reel and an elastic band. It's just not fair.

What's one of these?

Liquor does strange things to the mind.

Gucci coochie coo

Nice handbags. The shop was called Slinky. More like Slurry I'd say.

Essential knick-knacks

What do they sell here?

I didn't go in but I understand it's candles and pots - in all shapes and sizes