tptb dragoon

Our Paula

Paula Radcliffe won the London marathon yesterday. Although she was the favourite to win, there were considerable doubts about her ability to pull it off. This wasn't helped by her need to sort out her stomach cramps by having a pee at the side of the road. After the race she said she was greatly relieved and it was a piece of piss really.

Of course, if you get stomach cramps at 11:30 at night and find a dark alleyway completely devoid of 100,000 spectators and live TV cameras don't expect the judge to be so sympathetic.

Ellen can do it but we can't

I have a passing interest in yachts and the sea and the biggest recent event was of course Ellen Macarthur's round the world record breaking journey. Journalists can compare her favourably or not against other great sportswomen or even other great women - however, I completely believe she did for her own reasons and would find these comparisons irrelevant.

What is relevant, though, is we're in Falmouth again and so the first thing we did after unpacking was to pop round to see the not so beautifully named B&Q trimaran.

Having driven down through fairly extreme weather, we were presented with amazingly high winds and so not allowed down to the pontoon to have a closer look. Ellen faces everything the weather can throw at her and we can't even be trusted to step onto a floating pontoon. The people in the second picture live in the Portdennis development and have private access (and bring their friends no doubt).

Not sure the photo does justice to the atrocious conditions but it's a fine boat nonetheless.

What to do if you injure yourself on the football field

1. Get yourself booked

or

2. Go over to the bench and asked to be substitued.

Come on, it's not thaat difficult to decide is it?

Serious Stuff - the Frustrated Consumer

I really would like to know how far I am running. So I was considering getting my odometer transmitter replaced on my bike, as it fell off when it was on the back of the car earlier this year. Then I could cycle my running route and record the distances. However, it occurred to me that there was a much better way. Now pay attention Funky Dave, if you reading this, because you should really get one of these:

A GPS watch. Simple. Type "GPS watch" into Google and click on the main sponsored link and you get details of the Forerunner 101. For £99 it does everything you need - pace, distance , time, lap times, history etc. Oh but it doesn't have a PC interface. I must have a PC interface I reckon especially as I plan on doing a 50 mile+ walk later this year and wouldn't mind plotting the route.

So I obviously need the Forerunner 201 which has the PC interface. Oh and it's got a Virtual Partner who runs alongside you so you can see how you are performing compared to previous runs. Very nice. It's a bit of slab on your wrist which I don't like and it's £130. Hmmm, what's this at the bottom? Oh people who have looked at this have also looked at:

The Timex Ironman Triathlon Speed and Distance System. Of course I am no tri-athlete but I find it's always worth looking at the next model up to convince you that you are making the right choice. This natty gadget comes with a traditional looking watch that wirelessly connects to the GPS device which can therefore be mounted on your belt or handlebars. Hmm I can even use it on my boat - not that I need to but it does do knots and nauticle miles... It has a night-light feature as well. That's useful. Not useful to me but I am looking for justification to buy this so that I have a normal looking watch on my wrist. Oh and it's water resistant to 50 metres. Hang about, it's a bit pricey isn't it? £220. Hmm well this may be going too far but lets just check out the specification a bit more...

Hang on, it doesn't have a data recorder so I need one of these as well. That's another £53 thanks very much and a third piece of kit to carry around. And they are not in stock anyway. I'm getting a bit fed up with this. Oh and I see that mugs/people who have looked at this item have also looked at:

The Ironman as above but with heart rate sensors. Fantastic - you get an alarm going off when you overdo it. Good job I'm not wired up to it right now! Oh yes, I have to have this, it really is serious stuff...and it's only £275. Add the data recording device and delivery and, and...I think I'll go down to the bike shop.

It's the Pits

F1 came to London yesterday and I Got The [Free] T-Shirt off this girl. There was no chance of seeing the cars in action though so I gave that up and moved on to...

...see The Pits who you can hear here (to coin a phrase). They named themselves after doing a charity gig for Jacques Villeneuve apparently.

Thing to Look Out For When Running

See how many things you can spot in a week's running. This week:

1. A man emerging from a bush wearing wellington boots and carrying a sickle. What's worse is he spoke to me. Scary.

2. A bloke on a bicycle riding very slowly whilst reading a newspaper. Next to him is a rather pissed off looking dog carrying a ball.

3. A woman walking backwards massaging her head.

4. Dog turds. (This one's easy if you run on the grass like me - just look at the underside of your trainers)

Having found my pedometer I can now report the interesting fact that my run is 4387 paces long. But I don't know what the average length of my stride is. However, the interestingly named Wendy Bumgardner (I kid you not) knows. If I estimate 48 inches that means I am doing just better than 10 minute miles which feels right so I am running about 3.3 miles.

Good so far, but I have just looked at a training schedule for running a half marathon and I don't even qualify for their beginner section :-(. I think it's time to measure my running stride more accurately.

Commitment

Having stuck to my New Year's Resolution and given up my gym membership I finally took up the slightly harder to achieve task of substituting the non-existent gym attendance with something else more challenging a few weeks ago.

And I am pleased to report that I am actually sticking to it. I can now smugly say I am running three times a week for over half an hour each time. I'm the sort of person who has to measure things and so, of course, I time myself and when I have improved, extend the running length. Unfortunately my last three run times were getting slightly worse and I was determined to arrest that trend.

So I woke up this morning feeling OK and ready to drive my pathetic body a little harder until I heard the rain lashing against the windows and the leaves rustling in the trees. I used to notice these fools running along the side of the road in torrential rain as I sped through puddles in my dry car knowing that I had a nice cosy gym where I could run - not that I ever visited it. Now I had to turn myself into one of these people. The rain eased so I set off.

Some days you feel better than others and today I felt good. James Brown hd it right: "I feel good [derna-nana-nana-na] I knew I would [derna-nana-nana-na] ". Five minutes later the skies opened up and soaked me. I had it right as well: "I feel shite [derna-nana-nana-na] I knew I might [derna-nana-nana-na]". Luckily I wear glasses so soon I couldn't see the rain so just polughed on.

When running you get people nodding hello sometimes but mostly people keep their head down. But when it's raining and they are in a waterproof cagoule and under a golf umbrella they all look at you and say hello and smile that pitying smile. Unluckily I am an astute mind reader and so know what they are thinking - bastards.

I knocked 30 seconds off my best time so can't wait until Friday when I plan to run next. Bring on the rain.

A Day at the Races

Wasn't that a Queen album? Anyway, I went for an evening at Windsor Races courtesy of someone who was doing some hostility, or hospitalisation, or something. The evening got off to a cracking start when we arrived within 400 metres of the course only for the Roy to turn left rather than right and put us at the back of the queue. 50 minutes later we parked. Luckily I had my laptop with me so I kept busy.

I quite like a bit of gambling but it's quite daunting standing there with the race card looking at all the details and taking advice from the people around. "It's a lottery this one, as none of the horses have ever won". Ahh right, so this one's a lottery unlike the next one. The temptation is to stick a tenner on something at long odds and go and get a beer.

We missed the first race and I dithered before the second. So the third race, the 8pm, came up and there were about 12 runners. I settled on the favourite Caustic Wit as it had beaten lots of the others before and had such a sweet name. I got the best odds I could from the bookies (7/2) and watched the race:

Here's the big screen with the time zoomed in:

Here they are running down the slope (there's no slope in fact so It Must Be User Error)

and here is number 6, Caustic Wit, winning.

I thought it particularly nice of all the trackside spectators to salute as it crossed the line. That's £90 for my £20 stake. "Do you know how much that is dear? £70". "Those were the odds were they Basil?". I lost on the other races.

I bring you all this detail so that my stories can be believed as I see there is some doubt as to the voracity of my accounts creeping into the comments around here. Of course the truth is possibly that these aren't my photos and I didn't go...

Now *that's* a boat

I have a) just bought a second hand boat (a RIB with a 40HP engine which is great fun) and b) just come down to Cornwall for the week. Hurrah! Boating or Sailing is an ingteresting past-time and can generate strange emotions in people. For instance, sail looks down on power. At the bottom rung would probably be RIBs helmed by pleasure cruising weekend newbies like me. Walking round a harbour is an enjoyable thing to do though as there are so many different types of boats to look at. Equally funny are the people who just go and sit on their boat in the harbour, have a cup of tea and never sail. It's like being in a caravan - something which I have a good deal of experience of.

Anyway, more of my boating antics another time (there were a couple of BIG waves today). Looking out from our balcony here I noticed this liner leaving. Now that's a serious sized boat. Apparently The World was here last week which is a £220m liner owned by its millionaire occupants. But you can't jump waves in it or fish over the side so what's the point? RIBs rule OK.

Bitch and Mutt[er]

Holiday pitch and putt is just like normal pitch and putt and the weekend when gangs of kids haphazardly make their way around a par 3, 9 hole course and generally fool around in a very good natured way. Today was no exception to this but what was noticeable was that there was a record number of players playing together. The limit, according to the Royal and Ancient rules of golf is 4. I have seen 5 and sometimes 6. Today there was 11 and a baby. Still it was a glorious afternoon so who cares.

Things to do Whilst Running

As you may have seen I am doing a spot of running to improve my health, may me feel good, lose a bit of weight etc. I'm up to over 25 minutes of decent running now and running 2-3 times a week so that's a good start. I read in a Men's Health book (what great presents you get when you are over 40) that exercise is good for you (surprise!) and that one of the upsides is it relieves depression. Wrong. It creates depression. I am depressed at my lack of stamina and my aching legs.

The good thing about running outdoors and not staring at your repulsive sweaty body in the gym mirror is that the scenery changes. Otherwise I just watch the time/calorie counter, heart rate monitor in the gym. Or a nice blonde with a slightly slack sports bra on the machine next to me. It still gets tedious so, apart from taking on step at a time, here's how I advise coping:

* pretend to kick small dogs that get in your way. A rugby style conversion is good or perhaps just hover your foot over as it crashes down inches from its puny body. Nice.

* avoid big dogs with slobbery jowls. Especially if they are on heat

* get behind that woman with the nice buttocks and try and make it look like you're not following her. Tricky one this.

* try and think about what you thought about the last time you ran.

* try to think about what you are going to think about the next time you run.

* look at your watch to see how far behind your personal best you are.

* if you are being followed by one of those fit bastards who may show you up, change course to throw him off the scent.

* quickly jump in and out of the shower before you set off to make it look like you've already been running for 45 minutes so your snail like speed is acceptable.

If you do all this the time will fly by.

Run for Your Life

I have decided to go for a run today. I gave up my gym membership as I didn't go often enough but haven't substituted anything else. Time to fix that.

So I'm in shorts, T shirt, white socks and I go downstairs. Ryan does a double-take and says what are you doing? Are you playing golf today? I laugh at this. I don't normally play golf in shorts but it has been known. So I say, no, I'm going for a run.

"Why?" asks Ryan and then, quizzically, "because you want to?".

Good bloody question!

Crazy Golf

I know Crazy Golf is meant to be a little bit crayzee but the spelling on the natty little signs was just a little out of bounds...

Spelling of [the] century

and there were plenty more...

Missing plural

Missing apostrophe

Missing apostrophe and the sentence is broken

Construction error

King who? Let's not go to Camelot, it is a very silly place (Monty Python)

Grammar/spelling

So that's 7 holes out of 18. Just a few over par.

Mackerel

We've been mackerel fishing before including the gutting and this time we went with the people staying with us in Cornwall. Their girls had not been before but they seem to enjoy it as long as they didn't have to actually touch the fishh.

It is a strange "sport" in some respects, dangling your rod over the side of the boat and lifting it up and down, but the fish tasted wonderful!

How to Win at Poker

I play poker online, mostly for play money but I occasionally play for real - and lose. I play Texas Hold'em No Limit which is a type of poker where you have 2 cards of your own, you bet, then 3 cards are laid out in front of all of you, you bet again, another card is laid and another round of betting and finally a 5th and final card is laid down. The idea is to get the best poker hand using any 5 cards out of the cards on the table and your own (hidden ) two. With me so far? Oh and the No Limit means you can bet any amount of money that you have in front of you (you start with a sum of a few thousand $ when you join the table).

The online versions don't enjoy the cut and thrust of the real smokey atmosphere with a glass of bourbon and the gangster with his moll and all the other stereotypes. However, there are thousands of people playing at any one time and you can chat to your fellow gamblers. There's a bit of playing around abuse etc. and it can be very funny as well as fun.

So, here's (finally!) how to win. When you get dealt your cards, the secret is to tell everyone else what they are. No, really! Try it! Nobody ever believes that you would tell the truth. Here's an example:

You get 5 spades and 7 of diamonds. You say "75o" which is code for 7 and 5 off suit.

You bet a little. The next 3 cards are shown to everyone, this is called the flop, and it queen of diamonds, 4 of hearts and 8 of spades.

This is good as it is unlikely that there is going to be a flush and someone might join you in the betting if they have a queen.

So, just to reaffirm your position you say "I just need a 6 for the straight". I did this today and, bugger me, the next card was a six. Two other people kept on raising me and I won.

Simple huh? but don't tell everyone as it only works well if one person is doing it. Oh and it can annoy the heck out of the other players sometimes so don't overdo it. In one game someone said what kind of moron calls out his cards? Two hands later and that kind of moron, hello it's me, called their cards and beat him. the other guy said "So you really do tell the truth!". Crazy huh?

Life Through a Visor

The boys tried fencing when we were away and I tried the visor on:

I quite like blurred reality - without the influence of drink or drugs.

The Drugs League

Following on from the discovery that Greg Rusedski has higher than permitted levels of nandralone in his body it occurs to me that there are a lot of people who take drugs to build rediculous physiques. If that's their bag then good luck to them. However, they can't be expected to mix in, competitively, with non-drug takers so the answer is to give them their own set of sports. I don't mean Mr. Universe or those TV programs with outsized blokes hurling barrels with their little fingers or towing trucks with only a bootlace gripped between their teeth. I'd like to see them run a marathon, run a mile, run 100 yards or their metric equivalents, and see how they compare. A few freak show ones like boxing and putting the short wouldn't hurt of course. I'd bet it would draw a good audience.

Fat is Fun

It's official. Mainly because I said so. New Year's Resolution Number 1 (of 1), you may recall, is to cancel my gym membership as it is Bad Value.

There are adverts everywhere encouraging weight loss and diets etc.. Leave us alone. Actually I'm on the slim side so it doesn't affect me but I do care about others so remember: Fat is Fun.

Gone Fishing

Dawn is a lovely time of the day and the light changes every few minutes. The view here is out to the right towards Falmouth Docks which are quite busy as this is a very deep water estuary.

I do a bit of coarse fishing from time to time and fancy doing a bit of sea fishing. Inspired by my neighbour who had a couple of rods out yesterday, I got myself a starter kit for £27 and have tackled up, put on a dead sand eel, cast out and come inside in the warm. Most civilised. I am typing this, watching TV, drinking tea and fishing at the same time.

Rugby

I suppose I should at least mention the rugby once and so here it is - the Web Ellis Cup being paraded by a few of the England team at Twickenham along with the usual awful sounds

Concrete boots

The yellow sign, which you can't read, says "No water skiing is permitted in this area" which is a spelling mistake - they obviously meant "No Skateboarding".

Anyone for...

This is Mayfair. Wooden rackets went out years ago. This guy hasn't even got the right Nike trainers or shorts. When the cops came along he stopped pretty quickly though.

Swimming danger

The chart on the left is the standard one with no diving/jumping/petting (ha ha)/back diving etc. The local pool decided that they had missed one very very important safety hazard out so got a sign made up especially. Its nice to know we are in such safe and caring hands.

Time and effort

What takes longer? The notice or The Goggle?

Take a letter

As you can see, this road sign is N20 which is in North London where we support the football clubs of Tottenham or Arsenal. Actually, I live in Barnet but they are unsupportable. Therefore it comes as no suprise to me whatsoever that this road sign hasn't been graffittid (sp?) and a letter removed for some local hilarity. Manchester United fans mainly live in, errm, Manchester and they would have got rid of the 'S' straight away and put a dot after the N. Arseholes!

"They took turns...

...at Beccy. And there were three of 'em." Great song. Not sure what it has to do with the game of pass the sheep which has been popularised recently. Note Martin taking up the Mornington Crescent position.

Als, Jules manged to play this tune using a cone. Or was it the sheep?

Spot the Sheep

Or Where's Wally?

Drink driving

I arrested Nathan for Drink Driving and tested him by getting him to cycle on the white line. Karen helped him by giving him a good push. My case comes up next week.

Sam's Triumph

No, it's not a motor bike, it's Sam Torrance's finest hour and this is a pic of me holding the picutre. Notice I have my Nike (TM) grin on as I have just been more rediculous than the photographer.

Photo taken by Owen.