December 07, 2003
Farms
When following public footpaths you often end up walking through farms. This particular farm had the standard extremely muddy entrance by the gate and Paul, who for some bizarre reason wore new brown suede shoes, was deperately trying to avoid the mud. We walked up and the cows and bulls just moved away from us. Paul entered the field in the middle of them wearing a bright red jacket. This is Not a Good Idea. They started gathering round him and two randy bulls did what only they know best to two lucky cows. Paul ran for it and the cows ran for him...but luckily they gave up.
Don't wear red rags in a field of bulls. It's obvious isn't it?
December 06, 2003
Bowl
As this is a holiday home we have had to make several trips to wonderful places like Matalan and Trago Mills. Trago is just like that story I read as a kid of Dearman's and Cheapman's store - it's like the latter. Piled high with stuff that changes every week. But like all products these days, they have to put warnings on to protect ourselves from, urrrm, ourselves. This bowl is very cautious - it says "Do not consume" on it. Thank goodness it said that as I was feeling like crunching my way trhough a glass bowl. And I am not going to put my goldfish in it now either.
December 03, 2003
Cooking up Trouble
As you may recall I have been programming and I am doing this on my laptop so I can continue on the tube in the mornings. Programming is a very time consuming passtime. My programs often have loops that go on forever but I can always tell - these loops cause the processor to work very hard and so the fan turns itself on to cool it down. What a clever little feature that is.
November 05, 2003
The Long Seat Story
A lot of you have been writing in and asking about the collapsed bench and what happened to it. Well for all you tedious bores out there I popped along to see how it was getting on. No sign of growth yet but at least it's allowing the grass to grow underneath its feet.
October 01, 2003
Feeling a bit run down
If you are feeling low then pull yourself together. There's always someone worse off than you they say which I think is a pretty uncharitable thought. Yeah, look at that poor bastard - that makes me feel better. Not. They say you can't rhyme words like orange, purple and silver. I don't believe them. John Hegley can. For instance he can rhyme "furniture" which he does as the punch line to one of his poems (John doesn't like furniture so if you buy him some he'll returnittoya). I bet he can't fix this though. Here's one of his poems:
My mum's dog
Yorkie won't go for a walkie
the only order he'll obey is stay
the only trick he does is sit
he's a rip off
I wonder if you can take things like this bench to Casualty Plus that new paid for Accident and Emergency unit. £29 for a consultation, a hammer and a bag of nails hopefully.
September 24, 2003
Keyboard fun
Press Any Key to continue. Where's the Any key? Compaq have the answer. In fact Homer Simpson posed this very question. I recall having to tell people to press any key, oh but not the shift key of course.
Fly away hair
Use harmony hair spray to stop getting a question mark over your hair style. To tkae this phot I had to get two mates to stand in front of me and shoot between them to make it look like I was taking a picture of them. I'll never be a brazen paparazzist.
September 03, 2003
Sign trouble
They have been re-building this bulding for a year now and you can see a little place at the bottom left with a balcony over it.
The hand written sign in the window is here:
and it advises you that they consider that the balcony above is not safe so they have decamped. Trouble is you have to get quite close to the window to read the sign...then don't look up.
Idea courtesy of Martyn.
July 02, 2003
When in Rome
When renting a car frrom easyGreek, make sure you wear a rediculous chest wig and talk bollocks. Fair play to Brian, he could do both of these.
He had an interesting line in crop circles as well.
June 25, 2003
Jan Garbarek
If you want a slightly surreal experience go and see this guy play his sax with four choristers at St. Paul's Cathedral (that't the big building with the dome type thing on top - ask a tourist if you get lost). Magical voices coming at you from all directions. OK it was about 20 minutes too long but it was quite an experience.
June 21, 2003
Hangovers
Frank Sinatra once said: "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.". So there is hope for me on this lovely Saturday morning.
June 13, 2003
Transport secret
I have discovered a new way of getting round London. Big red taxis. Here's the view from one with a large red football in the way.
What happens is you see one of these things and get on and pay a small amount of cash. Then, and this is the really cool bit, they use the Bus Lanes to avoid all the traffic! Amazing or what? The only trouble is that they tend to stop a lot and they can't seem to turn the heaters off.
May 22, 2003
Very Remote Control
Here's another great tip. Don't drive 300 miles in the pouring rain with a load of gear for your flat and a very heavy TV that you have to carry up 53 (I counted them) stairs only to find that the only way to tune it is with the remote control. No prizes for guessing where the remote control is. (The competitions round here are naff).
I wish I had read this tip before this morning.
Miscellany
Top Tip - don't mispell, or is that mis-spell or misspell, your category names because you can't edit them. (That's an 'ell of a word - miscellaneous)